Martin Eisenstadt’s Blog

As the Democratic party wakes up today to a 59 seat hangover courtesy of newly minted Massachusetts Republican Senator Scott Brown, they ask themselves “how did this happen?” and “who did this to us?”  The answers are simple:  a) the nude picture in Cosmo, and b) me.

Anyone who’s read my book, I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans should have more closely read Chapter 7: “The Jonas Brothers are (probably) Not Terrorists” (based on this blogpost from last year where I warned my boss John McCain not to pick Sarah Palin).  If they had, they would have seen clear and convincing evidence that when it comes to politics (and pop music), women voters will pick the cute guy over the successful woman everytime:  That’s why the Jonas Brothers dethroned Miley Cyrus atop the Teen Beat charts.  That’s why Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton for the Democratic primary.  And that’s why cutie Joe Biden was a better choice for VP than Sarah Palin. In short, once the Cosmo picture appeared, the smart and accomplished Martha Coakley never had a chance.  It’s simple, electoral demographics: More women vote, and as I say on p. 175 of my book:

At the end of the day, they’ll vote with their hearts, not their heads. And they’ll vote for the cute boy….Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thankfully, Scott Brown DID read my book. So I can now reveal that a month ago, he rather discretely “hired” me as an unpaid campaign consultant to put out the Cosmo pic.

All I can say to the Democratic party is just be thankful I haven’t yet leaked Brown’s crotchless underwear shots he reportedly did for a certain Japanese “specialty” clothing line. 

Let’s just say that when they do come out, the GOP will have no choice but to nominate Brown for President in 2012.  And by the same logic, Levi Johnston’s upcoming Playgirl spread may just make him the next member of the Palin family to get the VP nod.  You heard it hear first: Brown/Johnston 2012.

Well, it’s official. The Obama administration has asked me to return from my Middle East fact finding mission to assist George Bush in raising funds for the Haiti relief effort. You got to hand it to Obama. Some argued that he was chosen because he is sort of black and sort of Muslim and neither a Bush nor a Clinton nor an erratic former POW, the perfect figure head to allow America to distance itself from some of George Bush’s less popular policies. The old bait and switch that empires are known to employ when times demand it. “That wasn’t me who killed your family and/or looted your treasury. That was the other guy. The one with the snarl. Sorry. Moving on.”

It just goes to show what a mentsch Barack Obama really is.  He easily could have proceeded with the Haiti relief effort without enlisting the services of great Americans like George Bush and myself. In fact, one could even argue that by sidelining those of us with Iraq nation-building experience, he would be signaling to the world that he disapproves of how we neocons handled our various wars and foreign enterprises. Instead, in a true spirit of bipartisanship, Obama has made the bold decision to show continuity in foreign policy and to loudly proclaim that George Bush and I are decent men with nothing to be ashamed of.  Which I want to reiterate.  The millions killed and maimed as a result of our invasion and occupation of Iraq was a small price to pay when compared to the billions of dollars in oil and infrastructure contracts now available to American companies. So let me take this opportunity to formally apologize for implying that time on FOX that you were born in Kenya and to clearly assert that you are a worthy commander-in-chief who I am proud to serve.

I know I’ve had my differences with Sarah Palin:  Sure, I told the world that she didn’t think Africa was a continent; and she called me a liar in her book.  But with the news that Sarah will now be working for Fox News as a consultant, I’d like to formally bury the hatchet and welcome Sarah to the elite fraternity we call the “Punditocracy.” Sarah, you’re now one of us!

Based on the scientific research I conducted as Sr. Fellow of the Harding Institute for Freedom & Democracy, and recently published in my book, “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” it would appear that you are now poised to be the most prominent pundit of all. I’ve updated this chart from my book with new data to reflect your current position, given your popularity, as well as your electoral track record as both the VP candidate who lost John McCain the election, and as a sitting governor who quit mid-term:

To quote from my book (p.30):

…the bigger a loser you are, the more TV appearances you’re likely to make during the next election as a pundit. Just look at how many former Dukakis, Kerry, Dole, Dean, and Edwards strategists there are on CNN. To say nothing of perennial also-ran Pat Buchanan and now Mike Huckabee— both arguably much better as pundits than they ever were as candidates. As a loser, no one else will hire you, so you’ve plenty of time for publicly second-guessing the people who really did get those jobs.

So Sarah, at no charge, here are 10 tips for being a great pundit:

1. The Pundit Express. Even if a plane is faster or cheaper, always take the Acela between New York and Washington. All the pundits do. Free Wi-Fi, and Fox will pick up the tab for your drinks in the Cafe Car. A quick walk down the aisle and you’ll hear all the scuttlebutt you’ll need to talk authoritatively about what “people outside the Beltway are really saying.”
2. The Green Room. Everyone in Washington knows this is where the real wheeling-dealing goes on. This is where you’ll confer with Newt Gingrich, Trent Lott and Roger Ailes to really plot your next political move. Eat the M&Ms, but don’t drink the coffee. If there’s breaking news, you don’t want to sit in a holding pattern on set while your bladder explodes (see James Carville, March 23, 2007, CNN).
3. Your New Best Friend. You can tell the makeup artist anything. They’re all bound by confidentiality clauses with the networks. They may not be as good as the Emmy-winning makeup artists from “So You Think You Can Dance” that you had on the campaign, but they’re like Catholic priests and cheap Russian prostitutes: they may smell of cheap perfume, but they know how to keep a secret.
4. The Hot Mic. Keep in mind that once they put a wireless mic on you in the green room, be very careful what you say. A sound guy somewhere will record every word you say even if the camera’s off. Of course, you can also make this work to your advantage by insulting someone under your breath and then claiming ignorance later (see Jesse Jackson).
5. The Nod/Smile. When the host is introducing you, you should nod and smile in obsequious agreement. It makes you look very smart and humble. (see Gloria Borger)
6. Know your Pundit Catchphrases. “To the extent that…” “I would argue…” “What I think you’re really saying is…” “That’s an excellent question and I’m glad you brought that up…” and “Bob, if you’re finished whining like a little girl with a broken hockey stick, I believe it’s my turn to talk…”
7. The Split Screen Looks. When an opposing pundit is speaking, be aware you’ll still be on camera. Learn to roll your eyes in disdainful condescension, but don’t wink.  Winking is for candidates, not pundits. Other good facial tics include the smirk, the nose scrunch and even a yawn for dramatic effect. When in doubt, look down and pretend you’re Twittering something more important on your Blackberry.
8. Plugging the Book. No matter how much Fox is paying you, all those kids of yours are still going to need new shoes. Make sure Fox has a JPEG of your book cover on stand-by whenever you’re on. It’s in their interest, too: Remember, Harper Collins is also owned by Rupert Murdoch.
9. Product Placement. You can now get free clothes by telling designers you’ll wear them on TV (and without all those pesky FEC disclosures that got you into trouble before). Your question won’t be “what” to wear, it’ll be “who” to wear. Everyday is the Oscars when you’re a pundit! It’ll be hard to get Fox to get a head/shoulder pundit shot of you in those free ASICS running shoes you wore on the cover of Newsweek, but you could pull a Madeleine Albright and bedazzle a different designer brooch each time you’re on…and get paid for it!
10. The Quinnipiac Card. If you need to add proof to your opinion, just say “data from the latest Quinnipiac poll backs me up on this.” Seasoned pundits know that Quinnipiac doesn’t really exist, but thankfully the public hasn’t caught on yet.

For those of you who want to relive the McCain/Palin campaign this weekend, check out Anderson Cooper interviewing my former colleague Steve Schmidt about me on CBS’s 60 Minutes this Sunday:

Anderson: “The person in charge of her debate prep made a desparate call to Steve Schmidt.”

Schmidt: “[Marty] told us that the debate was going to be a debacle of historic and epic proportions. He told us she was not focused, she was not engaged. She was really not participating in the prep.”

Watch CBS News Videos Online

From what Anderson told me, he actually did the interview with Steve in reference to my book (I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans) two months ago, but due to cost cutting at the Tiffany network, they held the footage and used it for their piece on John Heilemann and Mark Halperin’s new book Game Change.

The similarities between the two books are striking:  Steve Schmidt is a major character in my book, and I have several chapters about the Sedona debate prep (that was the time Sarah confided in me that she didn’t know where Africa was and was confused about what countries were in NAFTA).  Here’s a picture of me from my  book - in Sedona, with campaign aides Randy Scheunemann and Nicolle Wallace. Coincidentally, I’ll be appearing this weekend on C-Span (the Tiffany of basic cable) on their critically acclaimed show BookTV this Saturday at 3pm ET. And I think we all know that serious political book readers are more likely to pay attention to C-Span on a Saturday afternoon than to what’s left of 60 Minutes after the AFC Wild Card Game goes into overtime (go Ravens!).

To be clear, “Game Change” is easily the second-best political memoir of the 2008 campaign next to mine. (and yes, John and Mark, feel free to use that blurb in promoting your book). Full disclosure: I’ve known John Heilemann for 20 years - we frequently take the “Pundit Express” (aka the Acela) together after episodes of Hardball, and we like to reminisce about our salad days living on Capitol Hill  (where I distinctly remember carving presidential faces into old potatoes on Thanksgiving before devolving into vicious rubber band fights around the fireplace).  I can’t speak for Mark, but John’s a smart writer with surprisingly good aim.

And let me remind my good readers that while John and Mark were allegedly out there “interviewing 200 people” for their book (myself included), I had already finished mine. Even before Sarah Palin’s own book came out, I might add.  And let me also remind you of some of the stellar reviews I’ve gotten since:

“Martin Eisenstadt’s new memoir…is essential reading for all political junkies.” - Ken Silverstein, Harper’s

“Consistently funny…I intend it as real praise when I say that ‘I Am Martin Eisenstadt’ is the best fake memoir of the campaign season.” - Atlantic Monthly Sr. Editor Joshua Green in The Washington Monthly

“What Stephen Colbert is to Bill O’Reilly, Martin Eisenstadt is to countless political pundits. Hilarious…biting commentary on Washington, DC.” - Jeremy Jacobs, Politics Magazine

“It’s a fiendishly fun book, full of startling revelations: Eisenstadt lost his virginity to Oliver North’s secretary, Fawn Hall; was taken hostage by Somali pirates en route to Egypt; and tipped the press to Mark Foley’s career-ending text messages….A very clever book certain to delight political wonks.” - David Pitt, ALA Booklist

“Amazing!” – Howard Kurtz, CNN

“This Martin Eisenstadt character is pure genius.” - Mori Dinauer, The American Prospect