I’ve had a very distressing week. Internet allegations, rumor and innuendo have again focused on my alleged involvement with a so-called “Elena Kagan Sex Tape.” A promo for the tape has come out conveniently the week of Ms. Kagan’s confirmation hearing. I see that the Atlantic Monthly has (predictably) accused me of being the out-of-focus man in the tape, whose face is almost entirely obscured. Ha! Much more likely - as fellow conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain has speculated - is that the man in question is none other than Will Folks, the man who claims to have had an affair with South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley. The tape in question is amateurish at best, using sophomoric trickery to get Elena to refer to Clarence Thomas as “a long, enormous justice subservient to this tight butt.” Did Elena really say this? I don’t know. But trust me, if I had shot a sex tape with Elena Kagan, at least it would be in focus!
Now, of course, I tried to head off this nasty distraction a full month ago when I bravely stepped forward to admit that I’d shared certain “intimacies” with Ms. Kagan. Thankfully, that admission and my subsequent apology to my friends at the Heritage Foundation has been duly reported by USAToday, NPR and ABC News among other mainstream press.
The one good note this week is I am glad to see that my old friend Sen. Lindsay Graham took my advice and focused not on Kagan’s impenetrable sexuality, but rather on her indisputable Jewishness. I tweeted Lindsay over the weekend and suggested his now infamous set-up line about where Elena spent her Christmas. Like Roger Rabbit’s pavlovian response to finishing “shave-and-a-haircut” with “two bits,” I knew that Elena’s upper Westside genetics would force her to give her “like all good Jews, at a Chinese restaurant” response. Best soundbite of the hearings? Yes, and one that inevitably reminded all Americans that she’s an upper Westside Jew. Well played, Sen. Graham! She fell for it hook, line and schtinker. And for all you doubters, just look at my video from a month ago revealing this strategy.
In an effort to get out in front of the Elena Kagan sextape story and issue my videotaped denial, it seems I may have inadvertently offended my good friends at The Heritage Foundation. So yesterday, I issued them a very public apology that was printed in the biggest newspaper in America: USA TODAY. For those of you who may not have stayed at a Radisson last night, here’s the article:
Conservative Think Tank Fellow Apologizes for Elena Kagan Sextape: Denies Tie to Heritage Foundation Event
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Washington, DC – A conservative think tank fellow today apologized for giving the impression that an alleged “sextape” of US Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was taken during an event at the Washington-based Heritage Foundation. In a statement issued today, GOP consultant Martin Eisenstadt said, “If I gave anyone the impression that the Heritage Foundation was in any way involved with the purported videotape incident with Ms. Kagan, then I would like to apologize. The Heritage Foundation is a stalwart of the American conservative movement and would never knowingly be involved in any events that might lead to such a sordid video recording.”
Eisenstadt was responding to a recent YouTube video in which he denies the existence of a sextape, but acknowledges that he had intimate relations with Ms. Kagan following an event with The Heritage Foundation.
According to its own website, The Heritage Foundation was a think tank founded in 1973 whose mission is to “formulate and promote conservative public policies based on the principles of free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense.”
Eisenstadt himself is Sr. Fellow at the Harding Institute for Freedom & Democracy, a different Washington think tank with no official ties to the Heritage Foundation. An expert on Near East political and military affairs, Eisenstadt has been an adviser to numerous Republican candidates, including John McCain and Sarah Palin.
For those of you who have seen my videotaped denial, you know that the incident in question took place after Think Tank Softball League game between my Harding Institute team and the Heritage Foundation. Of course, those of you who have read my book “I Am Martin Eisenstadt,” also know from Chapter 9 (entitled “When Think Tanks Play Softball“) that I have something of an ongoing rivalry with the Heritage team. And though that chapter details the 2008 season, for those of you who still doubt my Kagan story, I simply point you to a reference to our 2009 game with Heritage on the Harding Institute website. Again, my sincerest apologies to the Heritage Foundation, the Think Tank League and to the attorneys at Dickstein Shapiro (who recommended Kagan as a softball ringer) for dragging all of you into this controversy.
I’ve been hearing Washington “chatter” all Memorial Day weekend about the rumor that there is some sort of so-called sextape involving myself and Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan. So I took it upon myself to get out in front of the rumors and categorically deny the existence of said tape. I can only assume they were started based on the hearsay of a sexual relationship between myself and Solicitor General Kagan. Again, to get in front of the story, I will admit that yes, we did have a single romantic encounter last year, so I instructed my staff to record my recollections of those events in this video:
I’ve had a very distressing week. Internet allegations, rumor and innuendo have again focused on my alleged involvement with a so-called “Elena Kagan Sex Tape.” A promo for the tape has come out conveniently the week of Ms. Kagan’s confirmation hearing. I see that the Atlantic Monthly has (predictably) accused me of being the out-of-focus man in the tape, whose face is almost entirely obscured. Ha! Much more likely - as fellow conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain has speculated - is that the man in question is none other than Will Folks, the man who claims to have had an affair with South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley. The tape in question is amateurish at best, using sophomoric trickery to get Elena to refer to Clarence Thomas as “a long, enormous justice subservient to this tight butt.” Did Elena really say this? I don’t know. But trust me, if I had shot a sex tape with Elena Kagan, at least it would be in focus!