Martin Eisenstadt’s Blog

I don’t know about you, but I’m still recovering from last week’s NPR debacle over Juan Williams. So I nearly choked on my bialy this morning at Some Guy’s Bagels in Dover when I leaned over Maureen Dowd’s shoulder and glanced at her iPad version of the Los Angeles Times.  In an article about the South African rap group “Die Antwoord,” Times Calender staffer Chris Lee wrote:

Frowning, his face a grave rictus of sober intent, he added: “Conceptual art, I don’t even know what that is.” For now, neither fans, art lovers nor the machers controlling record label purse strings seem to care.

Nevermind that mentioning a “rictus” does not seem to be appropriate in a family newspaper, the thing that struck me was the phrase “the machers controlling record label purse strings.”  To use an intentionally italicized Yiddish word to describe not just any record label executives, but specifically the ones “controlling [the] purse strings” is about as subtle as Rick Sanchez complaining about the not-so-oppressed Jews who run the TV business.

In light of Juan Williams’ brilliant move to say something so inflammatory to get him simultaneously out of his NPR contract and hired for a $2 million deal on FOX, perhaps this is the new paradigm for ambitious minority journalists unhappy with their current employers:  Say something so politically incorrect that you’ll not only get fired, but insure that Sarah Palin and her Tea Party ilk will rally to your defense and Roger Ailes at FOX will have to give you a fat contract worth far more than you were making before.  If that’s the case, then Chris Lee is a genius for jumping the leaking ship that is the LA Times. (And don’t get me wrong, despite never actually reviewing my critically-acclaimed book, the LA Times did still refer to me at “important, tall, wise and handsome” so I generally quite like them).

At this rate, by month’s end FOX news will be filled with so many black, Latino and Asian pundits and reporters, it’ll start to look like Amy Goodman’s annual Christmahanakwanzika party at Pacifica Radio headquarters.  If my good friend Bill O’Reilly was really thinking, he’d be a bit concerned:  Are Williams, Sanchez and now Lee really just sleeper agents for the liberal media elites?  Maybe the so-called “machers” at CNN, NPR and the LA Times realized they couldn’t ever beat Rupert Murdoch and FOX news by traditional means, so they’ve come up with an insidious plan to infiltrate FOX from the inside out.  Never let it be said that the Jews who control the media are idiots.

Also, does anyone know how to get cream cheese off an iPad?  Maureen can be pretty unforgiving.

It is with mixed emotions that I report that major media players have started using my “how to fire an on-air personality” strategy without paying me or giving me the proper credit, but what else is new?   They’ve been doing it to my dear friend Debbie Schlussel for many years now.

Rick Sanchez wasn’t fired because he is dumb as a door knob and insults even stupid people’s intelligence, but because he offended Jews on some radio show.  Juan Williams wasn’t fired because of his second gig as a FOX contributor, but because he “crossed the line” in insulting Muslims.  “Bait and switch” was what we used to call this move in Young Americans for Freedom (YAF) summer camp.

In Rick’s case, per my advice, it was he who initiated the controversy.  His protector Jonathan Klein over at CNN had just been fired and it was pretty apparent that Rick was next.  Because I’m half Jewish and an expert in the dark art of political chicanery, Rick came to me seeking my advice.

I told him flat out, insult the Jews, get fired for that, and then when everyone’s tuning into your apology, set the record straight and position yourself for the next gig.  And it would have worked if not for Rick deciding to improvise and use his apology to advocate for more “people of color” on TV.  As Frank Luntz whispered to me over pancakes the other day, “our polling tells us that white Americans want to see less “people of color” on TV, not more.”  The whole reason I counseled Rick to go after the Jews was to rile up the conspiracy-minded Tea Partiers.  Makes sense, right?  You accuse “them” of controlling the media and then when you’re fired, well, wow, you just proved it.

So what was that dumpkoff thinking using his apology to advocate for more people of color on TV?  First off, you’re not a “person of color”. Last time I checked, Europeans whose ancestors passed through Cuba as colonialists and slave owners are not considered persons of color.  As my uncle Morris used to say, eating humus does not make you an Arab.  What can I tell you?  A white person calling himself a “person of color” who the elites are trying to keep off the air just doesn’t pass the proverbial “average Joe” smell test.   It’s like the 5 foot 2, cross-eyed amputee who thinks the NFL is trying to keep him out of football because Terry Bradshaw doesn’t like Filipinos.  Did I just insult Filipinos?  Or did I insult Terry Bradshaw?  See.  The strategy works.  It’s like six degrees of separation.

Now in the case of NPR, it seems to be the media outlet, as opposed to the on-air personality,  that took my advice without crediting me, which hurts even more, considering the rumors of my past romantic involvement with Ellen Weiss, Juan William’s former boss at NPR.  By firing Juan for being insensitive to Muslims, they generated tons of free press and attention for their forgotten news network.  Anyhow, they were going to fire him for his double dipping at FOX, but by doing it this way, NPR was able to garner an avalanche of free press, thus boosting its ratings and improving the likelihood that a Democratic congress will increase its funding.

It’s good to see that our media elites are not above seeking and using my counsel.  I just wish they had the decency to credit me and to return my phone calls even when they don’t need something from me.   But that’s Washington for you.  Live and learn.

ps. And for those of my fans who have said, “Marty, you’ve been so quiet lately - where’ve you been?” All I can say is it’s been a very busy campaign season and while I’m not at liberty to say who my clients have been, let me just note that “I’m Not a Witch” campaign ads don’t write themselves.