I’ve had a very distressing week. Internet allegations, rumor and innuendo have again focused on my alleged involvement with a so-called “Elena Kagan Sex Tape.” A promo for the tape has come out conveniently the week of Ms. Kagan’s confirmation hearing. I see that the Atlantic Monthly has (predictably) accused me of being the out-of-focus man in the tape, whose face is almost entirely obscured. Ha! Much more likely - as fellow conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain has speculated - is that the man in question is none other than Will Folks, the man who claims to have had an affair with South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley. The tape in question is amateurish at best, using sophomoric trickery to get Elena to refer to Clarence Thomas as “a long, enormous justice subservient to this tight butt.” Did Elena really say this? I don’t know. But trust me, if I had shot a sex tape with Elena Kagan, at least it would be in focus!
Now, of course, I tried to head off this nasty distraction a full month ago when I bravely stepped forward to admit that I’d shared certain “intimacies” with Ms. Kagan. Thankfully, that admission and my subsequent apology to my friends at the Heritage Foundation has been duly reported by USAToday, NPR and ABC News among other mainstream press.
The one good note this week is I am glad to see that my old friend Sen. Lindsay Graham took my advice and focused not on Kagan’s impenetrable sexuality, but rather on her indisputable Jewishness. I tweeted Lindsay over the weekend and suggested his now infamous set-up line about where Elena spent her Christmas. Like Roger Rabbit’s pavlovian response to finishing “shave-and-a-haircut” with “two bits,” I knew that Elena’s upper Westside genetics would force her to give her “like all good Jews, at a Chinese restaurant” response. Best soundbite of the hearings? Yes, and one that inevitably reminded all Americans that she’s an upper Westside Jew. Well played, Sen. Graham! She fell for it hook, line and schtinker. And for all you doubters, just look at my video from a month ago revealing this strategy.