Martin Eisenstadt’s Blog

I’ve had a very distressing week.  Internet allegations, rumor and innuendo have again focused on my alleged involvement with a so-called “Elena Kagan Sex Tape.”  A promo for the tape has come out conveniently the week of Ms. Kagan’s confirmation hearing.  I see that the Atlantic Monthly has (predictably) accused me of being the out-of-focus man in the tape, whose face is almost entirely obscured.  Ha!  Much more likely - as fellow conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain has speculated - is that the man in question is none other than Will Folks, the man who claims to have had an affair with South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley.  The tape in question is amateurish at best, using sophomoric trickery to get Elena to refer to Clarence Thomas as “a long, enormous justice subservient to this tight butt.”  Did Elena really say this?  I don’t know.  But trust me, if I had shot a sex tape with Elena Kagan, at least it would be in focus!

Now, of course, I tried to head off this nasty distraction a full month ago when I bravely stepped forward to admit that I’d shared certain “intimacies” with Ms. Kagan.  Thankfully, that admission and my subsequent apology to my friends at the Heritage Foundation has been duly reported by USAToday, NPR and ABC News among other mainstream press.

The one good note this week is I am glad to see that my old friend Sen. Lindsay Graham took my advice and focused not on Kagan’s impenetrable sexuality, but rather on her indisputable Jewishness. I tweeted Lindsay over the weekend and suggested his now infamous set-up line about where Elena spent her Christmas.  Like Roger Rabbit’s pavlovian response to finishing “shave-and-a-haircut” with “two bits,” I knew that Elena’s upper Westside genetics would force her to give her “like all good Jews, at a Chinese restaurant” response. Best soundbite of the hearings? Yes, and one that inevitably reminded all Americans that she’s an upper Westside Jew.  Well played, Sen. Graham!  She fell for it hook, line and schtinker.  And for all you doubters, just look at my video from a month ago revealing this strategy.

What an exciting day it was for me today.  While visting old colleagues on Capitol Hill, I bumped into my dear friend and mentor Senator Joe Lieberman. As readers of “I Am Martin Eisenstadt” can tell you, Joe and I share a special bond since it was Joe who suggested that I write my tell-all memoir in the first place. And it was Joe who put in the good word with John McCain that secured me such a prominent position in his campaign. So imagine my sense of kismet when I spotted Joe coming down the hallway while I exited Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska’s 7th floor office in the Hart Senate office building.

Just prior, I had been sitting in Ben’s study autographing a copy of my book when a bevy of “moderate” democrats looking all stern and secretive came barreling in. First Lincoln then Landrieu. After shooting me a dirty look, Landrieu reminded Ben that this pow wow was private. Apparently, Mary still hasn’t forgiven me for mistaking her for a street walker that overcast Mardi Gras night some years back. In my defense, I had been imbibing since the morning  and my drinking buddy David Vitter was egging me on. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, I politely excused myself.

After departing Nelson’s office, I stopped to take a picture of myself for my blog. Which is when my good friend Holy Joe rolled through my frame on his way into Ben’s office.  Knowing my proclivity for spreading rumors, Joe put his finger on his mouth and instructed me not to tell anyone about this behind closed doors Blue Dog rendevous. When I asked Joe why all the secrecy, he winked, pinched me on the cheek and whispered “Wouldn’t you like to know? But that’s why I’m the Senator and you’re the pundit. I know. You guess.” So dear readers, allow me to guess. The “moderate” democrats met today behind closed doors in Ben Nelson’s office without press or staff to craft a healthcare “compromise” (Translation: kill the public option). You heard it here first. The Blue Dogs have made their decision: The public option is unacceptable for a democracy since one of the cornerstones of a free society is that if there are no losers, what’s the point in being a winner?

What do Barack Obama’s Nobel Peace Prize, Acorn, Sarah Palin’s new book, Michael Jackson, Oprah and zombies have to do with each other? Not much. Until, that is, you see how I weave them all together while providing a stinging indictment of so-called “Community Organizers.”

A full year before James O’Keefe and his prostitute friend exposed Acorn as being nothing more than “community organizers,” I went undercover in Baldwin Hills to expose the Acorn “front” group the Marcus Garvy Community Outreach Program (the militantly acronymed MG-CORPs) as hucksters and conmen. But instead of pandering to my friends at FoxNews (which, as O’Keefe found out, seemed too “on the nose”), I allowed a BBC documentary crew to follow me in my own sting investigation. You can watch the full excerpts of that investigation here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2K4Om
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLklw48Pe3g

As a good capitalist, I can certainly appreciate that Sarah Palin and Rupert Murdoch’s HarperCollins publishing house would want to sell all 1.5 million copies of Sarah’s upcoming book “Going Rogue.” But when that effort knocks my friend Dan Brown’s “The Lost Symbol” off the top of the charts for the first time in countless weeks, I must take umbrage and stand up for poor Dan who is said to have remarked, “I didn’t spend 7 years slaving over noetics and symbology just so some glacier-snipe could dictate to a ghost writer for three weeks and wallow in first place.”

So, I’ve issued a challenge to my friends, and to all fans of “The Lost Symbol.” If you want to deny that coveted #1 slot to former Gov. Palin, then all you need to do is buy another copy of “The Lost Symbol.” Of course, if you already own enough copies, then the second best option would be to pre-order a copy of my own upcoming Palin book, “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.” If you hadn’t heard, my book is guaranteed to be twice as “rogue-y”, half the price and comes out two weeks sooner than Palin’s book. Just go to Amazon (or Barnes & Noble, which is experiencing the same phenomenon) and order mine and Dan’s books there.

As many of you know, Dan is very humble and though a big fan of Washington (where I once gave him a personal tour of Masonic sites and certain “symbols” set into the building that houses my beloved Harding Institute), he might not acknowledge nor even overtly appreciate me stepping into the fray to help him regain his #1 status. That wouldn’t surprise me at all. But he’s my friend and fellow author, and I owe him this courtesy.

And finally, I know a lot of my fellow neoconservatives will still be interested in Sarah Palin’s book, so if you do buy a copy (as indeed I have myself), then I simply suggest that for you own sake, you save on shipping and buy a copy of my book as well.

Am I shocked that Sarah Palin’s book “Going Rogue: An American Life” is coming out November 17th? No.  As I warned on July 4 of this year, it’s no surprise that Palin is concerned about upcoming revelations about her in mine and other books that are coming out soon. She’s positively shaking in her Timberlands.  Naturally, she wanted to get a jump on the buzz, and get ahead of the story with her own book. As a political operative who once worked with her, that’s exactly the advice I would have given her. But too bad for her, she missed it by two weeks.

You see, my book about Sarah Palin is coming out exactly two weeks before hers:  on November 3, to be exact. And at less than half the price of her fancy hardcover edition! And here’s the best part: I guarantee that my book will be at least twice as rogue-y as hers. My simple calculation puts that at a total of eight times the value of Gov. Palin’s book. In this economic climate, that’s truly a bargain.

Trust me, if you want unfettered stories about Sarah Palin’s commanding grasp of geography, her $150,000 wardrobe and a prosaic description of the smooth, white small of her naked backside, then you’re going to want to buy a copy of “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans” from Faber & Faber (Farrar, Straus, Giroux). Now, to be clear, my book is not just about Sarah Palin. Far from it. As I say in my video promo for the book, it is a mystery, a thriller, a campaign tell-all that stretches from the dark oedipal days of Watergate, to the sexually charged days of Iran-Contra, to the sweaty campaign buses of Joe the Plumber and Meghan McCain. And did I mention the Somali pirates? When all’s said and done, it’ll be a hell of lot more fun to read than Sarah Palin’s ill-timed book!

A recently declassified Marine recruiting video done by the Harding Institute under contract from the U.S.Marine Corps. Our mandate from the Commandant was, “Marty, we need some hardcore recruiting videos to grab the attention of America’s youth. They watch R-rated movies, play violent videogames and most are on drugs. If we’re fighting for the hearts and minds of the next generation, we have to compete aggressively. What we need is the equivalent of what they call those ‘red band trailers’ for the movies.”

Unfortunately, this video was rejected and classified on the basis that it “reflects poorly on the Marines, sends the wrong message and defies modern standards of good taste and decency.” Under the new Obama/Gates regime, there is a new standard of transparency in the Department of Defense and this video has just been declassified. The Harding Institute is still hopeful that the video will prove to be an effective online recruiting tool. Please note, though, that this video is NOT appropriate for minors and should NOT be viewed by anyone under the age of 21 and probably not by people at work.

I’m still recovering from a wild weekend centered around the White House Correspondents Dinner (aka “nerdprom”). The good news is Time Magazine annointed me one of “The Twitterati” and included my tweets in their summary of events at the WHCD (along with my Twittering pals Ashton Kutcher, Meghan McCain, Newt Gingrich, CNN’s Howie Kurtz and the NYT’s David Carr.) The other good news is at least the media is starting to forget that silly nonsense from that November New York Times story about me “not existing” and the’re getting back to properly calling me a “former McCain aide.” I knew with time (and yes, with “Time”), my reputation would be restored. Meghan and I had a good laugh over it on our way to the Capitol File/Qatar Airways after party.

As for the course of events that night itself, you could go back and read all about it on my Twitter thing at http://www.twitter.com/MartyEisenstadt but here are a few highlights:

50. Despite my swine flu scare this week (the Drs. cleared me 70%), I DO intend to go to WH corresp. dinner. Who needs a date? @anamariecox10:07 AM May 7th

38. Just showed up at T. Haddad’s place. My assist. gave me the wrong start time. Awkward. time soon to pick up Marnie for #nerdprom.3:42 AM May 9th

37. Ran into Val Kilmer, still on couch at Haddad’s house. We’re splitting cab to #nerdprom when he stands up. Could be a while.3:53 AM May 9th

34. @carr2n We gave Kilmer smelling salts this PM. He should be OK for dinner. Hope I get vomit stains off tux. #nerdprom 4:47 PM May 9th

32. @MVHelsing #nerdprom Please! Let’s meet where we arranged. My socks are wet and I’m starting to sneeze again.2:57 PM May 9th

31. @rachelsklar #nerdprom. Three teenagers died because of this “Captain” and his reckless behavior. Will ask him how that makes him feel.7:02 PM May 9th

17. @GottaLaff Now if you’ll excuse me, David Shuster just threw a bread roll at me. #nerdprom9:10 PM May 9th

15. #nerdprom Todd Palin just gave me unsolicited back rub. I think he’s drunk. Beer in Alaska must be lower %. And where exactly is Sarah?10:01 PM May 9th

14. #nerdprom But that’s because Todd remembers me from Minneapolis shopping spree. We shared a chuckle.10:03 PM May 9th

12. Todd P. just thnked me for rehabbing Sarah’s image. “Now people think she never said Africa gaffe. We owe you Marty.” #nerdprom10:33 PM May 9th

11. @TheSleuth I’m looking for Marnie. She was with Holder, no? Where’d they go? Drinks? #nerdprom11:18 PM May 9th in reply to TheSleuth

9. Has anyone seen @MVHelsing ? We were supposed to meet at Bloomberg’s afterparty. Boring. where is everyone? #nerdparty I’ll ask Ludacris.12:10 AM May 10th

8. RT @MVHelsing Corcoran scene crazy. Wolf is definitely Blitzered. Complimnted Whoopi Gold. on great MC’ing tonite. #nerdprom M, get me in! 12:26 PM May 10th

7. @pwgavin Drop the name dropping and get me into the Cap.File party already! Bouncer says he doesn’t have my name on list #nerdprom12:29 PM May 10th in reply to pwgavin

4. @dralanjlipman Speaking of @MVHelsing , has anyone seen my date from last night’s #nerdprom ? She was last seen with Kilmer & Blitzer.about 24 hours ago in reply to dralanjlipman
[Sadly, blog comments still not working here, but you can find me at my very own Facebook fan page just search for Martin Eisenstadt on FB]

Here are some Twitter highlights from the second night of Passover. For all my Twittering, go to Twitter.com/MartyEisenstadt.  I just heard that FoxNews is inviting me to the White House Correspondents Dinner, but I’m sure there’ll be a strict no-Twitter rule there.

# Wolf said, “well, Marty, if you’re REALLY stuck for 2nd night seder, I suppose you could come by for a nosh.” I took as an invite 5:26 PM Apr 9th

# I guess Wolf wasn’t invited to the Obama WH seder tonight either. I pick some marigolds for Mrs. B. 5:30 PM Apr 9th

# Finally ask John King if he got CNN gig ’cause his dad is Larry. He’s offended, and says Larry’s not related. 5:54 PM Apr 9th

# Koppels arrive. Ted; Andrea, her hubbie Ken Pollack. Ken upset he wasn’t invited to Kristols’ last night for neocon seder. Awkward. 6:18 PM Apr 9th

# @anamariecox So I guess R.Maddow not coming to Wolf’s seder tonight. That explains why I got her slot at the table. 6:27 PM Apr 9th in reply to anamariecox

# Wolf still on the air w/brk’ing news on the Somali pirate thing. He texted wife to start without him. I should be punditing on air. 6:35 PM Apr 9th

# J. King was eager to step in and lead seder (wanted magic wall for exodus story). But Wolf called; he’s off air, & on the way. 7:04 PM Apr 9th

# The Blitz is in the house. Takes over for King in time for Rabbi Jose reference. Good thing Lou Dobbs not there. 8:01 PM Apr 9th

# King here with wife Dana Bash. Her face is what it is, but in person, I finally get what John saw in her. Nice figure, bawdy jokes. 8:04 PM Apr 9th

# Blitzer conducts the whole seder standing up and pacing aimlessly. Recline, I tell him, recline! 8:12 PM Apr 9th

# Dana gets text from Reggie Love at WH seder. King wonders why she gets text, not him. I sense tension. 8:37 PM Apr 9th

# Dana says Reggie texts: “Prez. loves the seder. Jokes that it makes him feel less Muslim with each cup of wine.” 8:52 PM Apr 9th

# Bitter Herbs, party of 1: Ted Koppel asks Wolf about job opps. at CNN. Wolf starts singing Dayenu and pretends not to hear. 10:01 PM Apr 9th

# Amanpour’s kid asking Wolf very detailed questions over whereabouts of Afikomen. Refuses to even look unless he narrows down search. 10:23 PM Apr 9th

# A Reggie text frm WH: “Sash&Mal looked for matza in Resolute Desk. Thought they were in Nat. Treasure. found old microphone.” 10:59 PM Apr 9th

# Ted K. says ChadGadYa song is parable for Bush Admin. I say 4 cups wine don’t mix with his meds. 11:29 PM Apr 9th

# Angling to get invite to Chris Matthew’s Easter Sunday dinner. Catholics at MSNBC are like Jews at CNN; good to know for a pundit like me.1:31 AM Apr 11th

For those of you following me on Twitter, you already know that I was at a very neocon seder tonight at Bill Kristol’s house. (or “tweder” as a twittered seder is apparently now called) For those of you hip to the Twitter, you can see all the tweets at my Twitter home page, or over to the right on my blog. For those of you old-schoolers who still rely on blogs, here’s a quick look at my tweets from last night:

• # Heading to the Kristol’s for seder tonight. Irving’s a bit long winded, but Bill’s wife a great cook. Couldn’t turn it down.

  # Is it rude to Tweet from a seder? Just heading to Kristol’s house now. I see Scheunemann’s car. Could be awkward since election.

  # Wolfowitz just walked in. Still revered in our circles. He’s much more relaxed since “leaving” World Bank.

  # Richard Perle brought a kosher-for-Passover wine from California. Big debate if that really counts as kosher.

  # One of Doug Feith’s kids wants to do the 4 questions. We joke that “why on this night couldn’t we find WMDs?” should be a fifth.

  # Irving Kristol compares Jews in Egypt to modern times. “Next year in…Tehran!” He’s still got matzah balls of steel.

  # Wolfie’s shikse girlfriend faux pas #1, re: Mrs. Kristol’s famous brisket: “I love the Texas BBQ beef!”

  # Afikomen: We all tell the kids that we know it’s there somewhere; they’re just not looking hard enough. They demand UN inspectors.

  # Neocon seder update: We just opened door for Elijah. OMG, it’s Joe Lieberman at the door! Making the rounds. L’chaim!

  # Solved Passover mystery. Irving Kristol was lobbyist for Maxwell House in the 60s. Got them Hagadah naming rights for 70yrs.

  # Kids still couldn’t find the afikomen. Bill K. told them they just didn’t look hard enough. three kids cried, and one pee’d.

  # Mrs. Kristol wants all hands on deck in kitchen. I’d rather play Wii with Feith’s kids. Wolfie & the shikse left early.

  # For the record, Bill finally told me that there WAS no Afikomen; he thought his dad had hid it, and Irving thought Bill had. Oops.

  # Tomorrow night: A very CNN second night seder at the Blitzers!

Just crawling back from long night at the Gridiron dinner in DC. All the media elites there. Curious Obama missed it, but Joe Biden very funny making fun of him. I guess it’s not as “funny” as Leno. Still, seeing Susan Page as Ann Coulter was a hoot. Jake Tapper and Wolf Blitzer battled it out for best tuxes. (white tie, natch). As for me, I’m still trying to get the Peter Orszag’s grenadine stains out of my lapel. There was an incident at the bar with Tim Geitner.  Let’s just hope the rental place doesn’t deduct my deposit, otherwise, I’m asking Tim for a bailout.  The Renaissance bar open late fortunately after the show. And yes, Donna Brazile still knows how to knock them down with the best of them.