An Open Letter from Martin Eisenstadt to Sarah Palin:
Greetings from the Holy Land. Yes, that’s me in Bethlehem celebrating Christmas at the invitation of the Archbishop himself, an old friend and business acquaintance. Honoring the shepherd of Nazareth’s birthday at the site of his earthly entry was truly humbling, a potent reminder that society is best served when religion dominates the public square.
While kneeling before a stone wall inside the Grotto, I even had something of a spiritual epiphany. Those of you familiar with my work might find this hard to believe, as on occasion I have been known to poke fun at the trans fat wing of our party, but what can I say? It happened. A voice in my head, which I have no doubt was Jesus himself, clearly instructed me to embrace Christianity and to dedicate myself to spreading his holy Gospel. As my body convulsed and the tears streamed down my face, I recognized with absolute certainty what a fool I had been to back that homosexual-loving secularist Steve Schmidt against a great American and Christian like Sarah Palin. I offer no excuse, except that I was taking an experimental dieting pill at the time which I now realize was making me irritable and clouding my thought process.
Brothers and sisters, I have seen the error of my ways and have asked God’s only son for his forgiveness. Never in my life have I felt this complete, this at peace. (And I see no reason why my neocon friends should feel betrayed by this apparent renunciation of my Jewish half. Christians are the strongest supporters of Israel, the Jewish people and lax SEC regulations. ) I guess you could say I’ve been born again which means that I can’t be held responsible for anything I did before my rebirth, which means that Sarah Palin, according to our shared faith, must forgive me entirely and totally for any alleged or perceived slights that may have occurred in the past, including telling Carl Cameron that she didn’t know Africa was a continent.
Sarah, please know that I am sincerely sorry for any harm I may have caused you and that my passion for spreading freedom and democracy is just as strong as yours. Only now, after seeing God’s light, is it sinking in that someday you will be the anointed leader of the political party I have spent the last twenty-five years serving and promoting. Only now am I starting to properly appreciate how right you were to call for prayer sessions at the debate prep in Sedona. Please know that I have joined the side of God, that I’m no longer a cynic, that I’ve worked on six presidential campaigns, that no one crafts a better apology than Marty Eisenstadt. And in case you’re interested, I’m also the one who came up with the name, “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” and the slogan, “Country First”. For your sake and God’s sake, don’t let these talents go to waste. Use me. Hire me. You won’t be sorry.
I know what you’re saying. Talk is cheap. Words aren’t enough. You need me to show through action that I’m a changed man, that I can be trusted as a loyal soldier in the run-up to 2012, that I will never again stray to the side of heresy and defeat as represented by Giuliani, McCain and Romney.
And wouldn’t you know it?
Just as I was agonizing over these feelings of shame and regret, a miracle happened. God put on FOX news a segment about the land and sea blockade of nearby Gaza and how anti-Semites and America haters are recklessly bandying about the term “concentration camp” to describe what’s going on. Which is when it hit me like a brick. The entrapped people of Gaza probably haven’t had the chance to read either of our books. How many times must I repeat the obvious? To win this war on terror, we can’t just rely on bullets. We need to win their hearts and minds as well.
As far as I am concerned, it is categorically racist to assume that the residents of Gaza only care about receiving food, medicine and freedom of movement, that they aren’t also craving role models and higher truths, the same truths that we Americans take for granted and that Sarah and I both espouse in our books. If only our enemies the world over could read your words on freedom and moose hunting and what it was like to serve God as a beauty pageant queen, I have no doubt they would put down their rockets and come around to our way of thinking and living.
As you can see from this photograph, capitalism is already alive and well in parts of independent Palestine. Lawyers representing Starbucks might argue that this play on words is a violation of international copyright law, but I’m a glass half full kind of guy, and to me imitation is the highest form of flattery. We need to encourage these people’s love of capitalism and American values, not bog them down with frivolous lawsuits. As you yourself once so eloquently stated regarding our mission in Afghanistan, “We’re fighting terrorists, securing democracy, building schools for children so there’s opportunity.” (debate with Joe Biden).
That’s why later today I will be heading south to the city of Rafah, on the Egyptian side of the Gaza Strip, to talk with the owner of an underground smuggling tunnel about providing the residents of Gaza with books and brochures that promote positive thinking and purposeful living. As there is no other way to get goods in and out of Gaza, our niche products would face little to no competition. Sure, there are risks involved as the Israelis often bomb these tunnels and according to a strict interpretation of American law what we’re doing could be viewed as illegal, but let’s take a page from Ronald Reagan’s Latin America policy and think long term, not short term. Gaza is an untapped market with tremendous potential for profit and growth for all involved. Don’t laugh. According to sources, some of the people down there have access to real dollars, Euros in fact, provided to them by NGO’s and the like. So let’s not miss this opportunity to make a buck while promoting education, freedom and representative government. Because as we all know, one step leads to another and before you know it, the people of Gaza will have credit cards, advanced weaponry and Wii…but I’m getting ahead of myself. What’s important is that we owe it to the materially challenged residents of Gaza to share with them the secrets of our successes so one day they too can enjoy the fruits of the American dream free from government interference.
In deference to your superior name recognition, it is my intention to include “Going Rogue” in our first smuggling run, exposing your book to the people of Gaza even before my own. You have my word that I will do my best to keep costs down. It is my understanding that the tunnel charges two Euros per smuggled item in addition to a one time passage fee. But not to worry, due to the supply and demand reality on the ground, we should have no problem tacking on a healthy mark-up. And because this is a passion project for me, I will limit my own commission to 15%, not including expenses and bribes, of course.
For our first tunnel run, we’ll likely need somewhere in the range of 5,000 books. Who should I be contacting at HarpersCollins to make that happen? Or if you prefer, have that person call me on my iphone (Scheunemann has the number) and if that doesn’t work, they can try the tunnel proprietor at 9721567432. I would normally suggest that we communicate through e-mail but given the sensitive nature of this endeavor, it is probably best not to put anything in writing. Thank you and Happy New Years. May God bless you, your family, the Republican Party, our great country and all we hold dear.
And for those of you who owe a Christmas present or belong to an Eastern sect, my book “I am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans” is still available on Amazon.
In the spirit of reconciliation, I am also providing a link to Sarah’s book, a great read, I must add.
(Martin Eisenstadt is a Republican strategist, corporate communications consultant and political commentator who does regular appearances on television and radio. An expert on the Near East, Mr. Eisenstadt was a founding member of the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq (CLI).