As the Democratic party wakes up today to a 59 seat hangover courtesy of newly minted Massachusetts Republican Senator Scott Brown, they ask themselves “how did this happen?” and “who did this to us?” The answers are simple: a) the nude picture in Cosmo, and b) me.
Anyone who’s read my book, I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans should have more closely read Chapter 7: “The Jonas Brothers are (probably) Not Terrorists” (based on this blogpost from last year where I warned my boss John McCain not to pick Sarah Palin). If they had, they would have seen clear and convincing evidence that when it comes to politics (and pop music), women voters will pick the cute guy over the successful woman everytime: That’s why the Jonas Brothers dethroned Miley Cyrus atop the Teen Beat charts. That’s why Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton for the Democratic primary. And that’s why cutie Joe Biden was a better choice for VP than Sarah Palin. In short, once the Cosmo picture appeared, the smart and accomplished Martha Coakley never had a chance. It’s simple, electoral demographics: More women vote, and as I say on p. 175 of my book:
At the end of the day, they’ll vote with their hearts, not their heads. And they’ll vote for the cute boy….Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Thankfully, Scott Brown DID read my book. So I can now reveal that a month ago, he rather discretely “hired” me as an unpaid campaign consultant to put out the Cosmo pic.
All I can say to the Democratic party is just be thankful I haven’t yet leaked Brown’s crotchless underwear shots he reportedly did for a certain Japanese “specialty” clothing line.
Let’s just say that when they do come out, the GOP will have no choice but to nominate Brown for President in 2012. And by the same logic, Levi Johnston’s upcoming Playgirl spread may just make him the next member of the Palin family to get the VP nod. You heard it hear first: Brown/Johnston 2012.
Well, it’s official. The Obama administration has asked me to return from my Middle East fact finding mission to assist George Bush in raising funds for the Haiti relief effort. You got to hand it to Obama. Some argued that he was chosen because he is sort of black and sort of Muslim and neither a Bush nor a Clinton nor an erratic former POW, the perfect figure head to allow America to distance itself from some of George Bush’s less popular policies. The old bait and switch that empires are known to employ when times demand it. “That wasn’t me who killed your family and/or looted your treasury. That was the other guy. The one with the snarl. Sorry. Moving on.”
It just goes to show what a mentsch Barack Obama really is. He easily could have proceeded with the Haiti relief effort without enlisting the services of great Americans like George Bush and myself. In fact, one could even argue that by sidelining those of us with Iraq nation-building experience, he would be signaling to the world that he disapproves of how we neocons handled our various wars and foreign enterprises. Instead, in a true spirit of bipartisanship, Obama has made the bold decision to show continuity in foreign policy and to loudly proclaim that George Bush and I are decent men with nothing to be ashamed of. Which I want to reiterate. The millions killed and maimed as a result of our invasion and occupation of Iraq was a small price to pay when compared to the billions of dollars in oil and infrastructure contracts now available to American companies. So let me take this opportunity to formally apologize for implying that time on FOX that you were born in Kenya and to clearly assert that you are a worthy commander-in-chief who I am proud to serve.
I know I’ve had my differences with Sarah Palin: Sure, I told the world that she didn’t think Africa was a continent; and she called me a liar in her book. But with the news that Sarah will now be working for Fox News as a consultant, I’d like to formally bury the hatchet and welcome Sarah to the elite fraternity we call the “Punditocracy.” Sarah, you’re now one of us!
Based on the scientific research I conducted as Sr. Fellow of the Harding Institute for Freedom & Democracy, and recently published in my book, “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” it would appear that you are now poised to be the most prominent pundit of all. I’ve updated this chart from my book with new data to reflect your current position, given your popularity, as well as your electoral track record as both the VP candidate who lost John McCain the election, and as a sitting governor who quit mid-term:
To quote from my book (p.30):
…the bigger a loser you are, the more TV appearances you’re likely to make during the next election as a pundit. Just look at how many former Dukakis, Kerry, Dole, Dean, and Edwards strategists there are on CNN. To say nothing of perennial also-ran Pat Buchanan and now Mike Huckabee— both arguably much better as pundits than they ever were as candidates. As a loser, no one else will hire you, so you’ve plenty of time for publicly second-guessing the people who really did get those jobs.
So Sarah, at no charge, here are 10 tips for being a great pundit:
The Pundit Express. Even if a plane is faster or cheaper, always take the Acela between New York and Washington. All the pundits do. Free Wi-Fi, and Fox will pick up the tab for your drinks in the Cafe Car. A quick walk down the aisle and you’ll hear all the scuttlebutt you’ll need to talk authoritatively about what “people outside the Beltway are really saying.”
The Green Room. Everyone in Washington knows this is where the real wheeling-dealing goes on. This is where you’ll confer with Newt Gingrich, Trent Lott and Roger Ailes to really plot your next political move. Eat the M&Ms, but don’t drink the coffee. If there’s breaking news, you don’t want to sit in a holding pattern on set while your bladder explodes (see James Carville, March 23, 2007, CNN).
Your New Best Friend. You can tell the makeup artist anything. They’re all bound by confidentiality clauses with the networks. They may not be as good as the Emmy-winning makeup artists from “So You Think You Can Dance” that you had on the campaign, but they’re like Catholic priests and cheap Russian prostitutes: they may smell of cheap perfume, but they know how to keep a secret.
The Hot Mic. Keep in mind that once they put a wireless mic on you in the green room, be very careful what you say. A sound guy somewhere will record every word you say even if the camera’s off. Of course, you can also make this work to your advantage by insulting someone under your breath and then claiming ignorance later (see Jesse Jackson).
The Nod/Smile. When the host is introducing you, you should nod and smile in obsequious agreement. It makes you look very smart and humble. (see Gloria Borger)
Know your Pundit Catchphrases. “To the extent that…” “I would argue…” “What I think you’re really saying is…” “That’s an excellent question and I’m glad you brought that up…” and “Bob, if you’re finished whining like a little girl with a broken hockey stick, I believe it’s my turn to talk…”
The Split Screen Looks. When an opposing pundit is speaking, be aware you’ll still be on camera. Learn to roll your eyes in disdainful condescension, but don’t wink. Winking is for candidates, not pundits. Other good facial tics include the smirk, the nose scrunch and even a yawn for dramatic effect. When in doubt, look down and pretend you’re Twittering something more important on your Blackberry.
Plugging the Book. No matter how much Fox is paying you, all those kids of yours are still going to need new shoes. Make sure Fox has a JPEG of your book cover on stand-by whenever you’re on. It’s in their interest, too: Remember, Harper Collins is also owned by Rupert Murdoch.
Product Placement. You can now get free clothes by telling designers you’ll wear them on TV (and without all those pesky FEC disclosures that got you into trouble before). Your question won’t be “what” to wear, it’ll be “who” to wear. Everyday is the Oscars when you’re a pundit! It’ll be hard to get Fox to get a head/shoulder pundit shot of you in those free ASICS running shoes you wore on the cover of Newsweek, but you could pull a Madeleine Albright and bedazzle a different designer brooch each time you’re on…and get paid for it!
The Quinnipiac Card. If you need to add proof to your opinion, just say “data from the latest Quinnipiac poll backs me up on this.” Seasoned pundits know that Quinnipiac doesn’t really exist, but thankfully the public hasn’t caught on yet.
An Open Letter from Martin Eisenstadt to Sarah Palin:
Greetings from the Holy Land. Yes, that’s me in Bethlehem celebrating Christmas at the invitation of the Archbishop himself, an old friend and business acquaintance. Honoring the shepherd of Nazareth’s birthday at the site of his earthly entry was truly humbling, a potent reminder that society is best served when religion dominates the public square.
While kneeling before a stone wall inside the Grotto, I even had something of a spiritual epiphany. Those of you familiar with my work might find this hard to believe, as on occasion I have been known to poke fun at the trans fat wing of our party, but what can I say? It happened. A voice in my head, which I have no doubt was Jesus himself, clearly instructed me to embrace Christianity and to dedicate myself to spreading his holy Gospel.As my body convulsed and the tears streamed down my face, I recognized with absolute certainty what a fool I had been to back that homosexual-loving secularist Steve Schmidt against a great American and Christian like Sarah Palin.I offer no excuse, except that I was taking an experimental dieting pill at the time which I now realize was making me irritable and clouding my thought process.
Brothers and sisters, I have seen the error of my ways and have asked God’s only son for his forgiveness. Never in my life have I felt this complete, this at peace. (And I see no reason why my neocon friends should feel betrayed by this apparent renunciation of my Jewish half. Christians are the strongest supporters of Israel, the Jewish people and lax SEC regulations. ) I guess you could say I’ve been born again which means that I can’t be held responsible for anything I did before my rebirth, which means that Sarah Palin, according to our shared faith, must forgive me entirely and totally for any alleged or perceived slights that may have occurred in the past, including telling Carl Cameron that she didn’t know Africa was a continent.
Sarah, please know that I am sincerely sorry for any harm I may have caused you and that my passion for spreading freedom and democracy is just as strong as yours. Only now, after seeing God’s light, is it sinking in that someday you will be the anointed leader of the political party I have spent the last twenty-five years serving and promoting. Only now am I starting to properly appreciate how right you were to call for prayer sessions at the debate prep in Sedona.Please know that I have joined the side of God, that I’m no longer a cynic, that I’ve worked on six presidential campaigns, that no one crafts a better apology than Marty Eisenstadt. And in case you’re interested, I’m also the one who came up with the name, “Swift Boat Veterans for Truth” and the slogan, “Country First”.For your sake and God’s sake, don’t let these talents go to waste.Use me. Hire me.You won’t be sorry.
I know what you’re saying. Talk is cheap. Words aren’t enough. You need me to show through action that I’m a changed man, that I can be trusted as a loyal soldier in the run-up to 2012, that I will never again stray to the side of heresy and defeat as represented by Giuliani, McCain and Romney.
And wouldn’t you know it?
Just as I was agonizing over these feelings of shame and regret, a miracle happened. God put on FOX news a segment about the land and sea blockade of nearby Gaza and how anti-Semites and America haters are recklessly bandying about the term “concentration camp” to describe what’s going on.Which is when it hit me like a brick.The entrapped people of Gaza probably haven’t had the chance to read either of our books. How many times must I repeat the obvious? To win this war on terror, we can’t just rely on bullets. We need to win their hearts and minds as well.
As far as I am concerned, it is categorically racist to assume that the residents of Gaza only care about receiving food, medicine and freedom of movement, that they aren’t also craving role models and higher truths, the same truths that we Americans take for granted and that Sarah and I both espouse in our books. If only our enemies the world over could read your words on freedom and moose hunting and what it was like to serve God as a beauty pageant queen, I have no doubt they would put down their rockets and come around to our way of thinking and living.
As you can see from this photograph, capitalism is already alive and well in parts of independent Palestine. Lawyers representing Starbucks might argue that this play on words is a violation of international copyright law, but I’m a glass half full kind of guy, and to me imitation is the highest form of flattery. We need to encourage these people’s love of capitalism and American values, not bog them down with frivolous lawsuits. As you yourself once so eloquently stated regarding our mission in Afghanistan, “We’re fighting terrorists, securing democracy, building schools for children so there’s opportunity.” (debate with Joe Biden).
That’s why later today I will be heading south to the city of Rafah, on the Egyptian side of the Gaza Strip, to talk with the owner of an underground smuggling tunnel about providing the residents of Gaza with books and brochures that promote positive thinking and purposeful living. As there is no other way to get goods in and out of Gaza, our niche products would face little to no competition. Sure, there are risks involved as the Israelis often bomb these tunnels and according to a strict interpretation of American law what we’re doing could be viewed as illegal, but let’s take a page from Ronald Reagan’s Latin America policy and think long term, not short term. Gaza is an untapped market with tremendous potential for profit and growth for all involved. Don’t laugh. According to sources, some of the people down there have access to real dollars, Euros in fact, provided to them by NGO’s and the like.So let’s not miss this opportunity to make a buck while promoting education, freedom and representative government.Because as we all know, one step leads to another and before you know it, the people of Gaza will have credit cards, advanced weaponry and Wii…but I’m getting ahead of myself. What’s important is that we owe it to the materially challenged residents of Gaza to share with them the secrets of our successes so one day they too can enjoy the fruits of the American dream free from government interference.
In deference to your superior name recognition, it is my intention to include “Going Rogue” in our first smuggling run, exposing your book to the people of Gaza even before my own.You have my word that I will do my best to keep costs down. It is my understanding that the tunnel charges two Euros per smuggled item in addition to a one time passage fee. But not to worry, due to the supply and demand reality on the ground, we should have no problem tacking on a healthy mark-up. And because this is a passion project for me, I will limit my own commission to 15%, not including expenses and bribes, of course.
For our first tunnel run, we’ll likely need somewhere in the range of 5,000 books.Who should I be contacting at HarpersCollins to make that happen?Or if you prefer, have that person call me on my iphone (Scheunemann has the number) and if that doesn’t work, they can try the tunnel proprietor at 9721567432. I would normally suggest that we communicate through e-mail but given the sensitive nature of this endeavor, it is probably best not to put anything in writing. Thank you and Happy New Years. May God bless you, your family, the Republican Party, our great country and all we hold dear.
In the spirit of reconciliation, I am also providing a link to Sarah’s book, a great read, I must add.
(Martin Eisenstadt is a Republican strategist, corporate communications consultant and political commentator who does regular appearances on television and radio. An expert on the Near East, Mr. Eisenstadt was a founding member of the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq (CLI).
I was looking through Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue today, and one thing struck me: When she’s talking about going for a run at the Sedona debate prep, there’s a very blatant and specific product placement reference to her Japanese-made ASICS shoes (”I couldn’t wait to slip into my ASICS and work up a sweat.”). In fact, the whole page sounds more than a little lurid.
Follow the money. Is Sarah on ASICS’ payroll as a sponsor? Is that why she did the Runners World photo shoot in the first place (which at the time struck me as bizarre anyway). Was she paid by ASICS while she was still governor? Remember, she only made $1.5 mil from the book deal - she must have gotten money elsewhere to make it worth her while to quit being governor. And through Todd and the snowmobiling thing, she’s no stranger to sports sponsorship. And if she never saw a dime, then she really IS an idiot.
As for Runner’s World, I suspect that their editorial staff is more than happy to please an advertiser and wouldn’t have been shy about quids, pros, or quos. The issue is if they paid the photographer, then they would have owned the rights and not given the photo to Newsweek. They claim Newsweek got the photo from Rapport. So the real question is… who owns the rights and who paid for the photo shoot?
And here’s the best part. The Anchorage photographer who shot the RunnersWorld pics of Sarah also shot a photo spread of Levi Johnston (no, not for Playgirl), but one for London’s The Guardian (aka, the Playgirl of serious British newspapers). And one of the pics also shows up on the inside pages of the same Newsweek.
At the end of the day, this might just be the case of an over-eager ghost writer (Lynn Vincent) who wanted to puff up the running story with a detail about the shoes that she picked up from the original Runners World story itself. At the very least, this is an example of a book rushed to publication for Christmas sales and never vetted… which is kind of what happened to Sarah herself.
UPDATE 11/19: Word now breaks from AOL’s Daily Finance site that Runners World claims photog Adams breached one-year embargo to reuse photo. Still begs the questions of who owns the photo, who paid for the photo shoot, and why does Runner’s World care? Are they being pressured by their big advertiser and Palin booster ASICS? Or maybe by Palin or her rabid fans themselves? Or maybe they just can’t handle all the attention and name recognition they just got? Look, I don’t know the answers, but I do know something’s hinky going on, and that I was the first one to report it.
As an early advocate for war against Iraq and an original member of the Committee for the Liberation of Iraq (CLI), I’d be the first to admit that President Bush may have unveiled the “Mission Accomplished” banner a bit prematurely. There was still a lot of work to be done. But now that work is done and we might as well celebrate. As of yesterday, our true mission for war in Iraq has been accomplished. Exxon beat out Chinese and Russian consortiums for the contract to develop Iraq’s largest oil field, one of the biggest reserves on the planet. Thank you to all who sacrificed so much for this great achievement.
From CNN to Atlantic Monthly to Washington Monthly to Harpers - first round of reviews and press are stunning. More later, but here’s the highlights:
“Essential reading for all political junkies.” - Ken Silverstein, Harpers
“Consistently funny…I intend it as real praise when I say that ‘I Am Martin Eisenstadt’ is the best fake memoir of the campaign season.” - Atlantic Monthly Sr. Editor Joshua Green in The Washington Monthly
“What Stephen Colbert is to Bill O’Reilly, Martin Eisenstadt is to countless political pundits. Hilarious…biting commentary on Washington, DC.” - Jeremy Jacobs, Politics Magazine
“I can’t vouch for the comedic value of the book, but I assure you the accompanying promotional video is very, very clever and well worth the watch.” - Clint Hendler, Columbia Journalism Review
Victory is ours! Instead of Going Rogue, maybe Sarah Palin’s new book should be called Diary of a Wimpy Governor? The former vice presidential candidate’s upcoming book has already seen plummeting sales and is now being offered for a whopping 69% discount by both Amazon and Wal-Mart. The ratings for Going Rogue: An American Life have tumbled in the Amazon bestseller list, now coming in at #5, just below Jeff Kinney’s Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days.
Of course, one reason for the drop-off is undoubtedly due to the counter campaign I led on Twitter and the YouTube - and largely supported by fans of Dan Brown in particular, who were shocked to learn that Going Rogue had dethroned the longtime #1 bestseller, The Lost Symbol, written by my good friend, Brown. The campaign suggested that Brown supporters who already owned his book, should buy copies of my upcoming book to dethrone Palin. It worked!
Much heralded on September 28 by Rupert Murdoch’s publishing house Harper for its mammoth 1.5 million issue run, Palin’s book skyrocketed to Amazon’s #1 spot on the bestseller list within a matter of days after becoming available for pre-orders. The book has a list price of $28.99 but was offered by many online retailers for as low as $15.79, an appropriate discount for a hardcover political book with a 7 figure print run. But now the book is being offered for just $9.00.
When Going Rogue first became available, there was a concerted online and Twitter effort by Palin supporters to boost its rankings and push the book to #1. With that, they succeeded. But the real question is if all those people will now feel cheated that they overpaid for her book; or worse, that they overhyped the book - much like her vice presidential candidacy itself peaked too early during the campaign. From what I hear about how the Amazon rankings work (a closely held secret algorithm… or is it “Al Gore-ism”?), it’s conceivable that Going Rogue could have nabbed the #1 spot with barely more than 100,000 in sales to Sarah’s core audience - which could leave as many as 1.4 million copies headed for the discount bin. I know Sarah’s always been a foe of our dependence on foreign oil. With that many left over books, she could probably live off the grid for a year in Wasilla.
To paraphrase my favorite movie, “The Secret”, it is important to be positive. So let me say, what a great time it is to be a neocon. Under Bush, no one trusted us. They questioned our every move. Why are we in Iraq? “For oil!” they would yell. “Don’t believe a word they say”, the lefty rabble rousers screamed on blogs and at protest rallies. Now with that multicultural puppet Obama in power, the supposedly thoughtful, latte sipping crowd suddenly believes everything the government tells them. Of course we have a right to have 60,000 soldiers controlling and patrolling a country half way around the globe. Eight years ago foreigners training in that country attacked us. That’s the reason we’ve taken over their land and lives. Not because of the pipeline or the opium or who the hell knows why. And maybe 60,000 troops aren’t enough. And anyhow it’s Bush’s fault because he took his eye off the prize, whatever that means. Thank you God. America is back! United in common cause. When I was coming of age, it was the Soviets who invaded and occupied countries, while we idealized and sold weapons to the little people who resisted them. A losing paradigm, if you ask me. Best way to wage a war is with a Democrat at the helm, I’m sorry to say. Just ask Korea and Vietnam. And now we can add Afghanistan to that list. And for that I am thankful. Stay positive, brothers and sisters. That is my message.
I hear from sources in the administration that Obama, in response to accusations that he’s all talk and no action, has come up with a grand plan to solve the gay and Afghanistan problems with one proverbial golf swing. Apparently, the homosexual community will no longer accept “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”. They are demanding the right to proudly and publicly travel to far away lands and be killed. Which after intense consultations across the aisle appears to be okay even with the right wing. Problem solved. The generals get their Afghanistan surge, the right gets to see America’s homosexual population reduced and the left gets to feel like Barack is listening to them. Thank you again dear leader for teaching us the value of compromise.
Naturally, we here at the Harding Institute recognized over a year ago the value in actively recruiting gay troops into the military. Some of you may remember seeing our Marine recruiting video several months ago. It was commissioned under the Bush administration, then quietly classified, and then in May was declassified by the Obama regime. We were admonished to not discuss the reasons for why the Bush team scuttled the video initially, but now it’s clear that it was de-classified as a shrewd move by Robert Gates to start recruiting gay Marines specifically for the Afghanistan mission. Were we used as a pawn by the Obama/Gates regime? Maybe. But as I said earlier, if everyone’s happy with this new policy, then who are we to object. And by the way, over 30,000 people have watched this video since it was declassified in May and it is the top ranked video on YouTube if you search “Marine recruiting.”
Anyone who’s read my book, I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans should have more closely read Chapter 7: “The Jonas Brothers are (probably) Not Terrorists” (based on this blogpost from last year where I warned my boss John McCain not to pick Sarah Palin). If they had, they would have seen clear and convincing evidence that when it comes to politics (and pop music), women voters will pick the cute guy over the successful woman everytime: That’s why the Jonas Brothers dethroned Miley Cyrus atop the Teen Beat charts. That’s why Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton for the Democratic primary. And that’s why cutie Joe Biden was a better choice for VP than Sarah Palin. In short, once the Cosmo picture appeared, the smart and accomplished Martha Coakley never had a chance. It’s simple, electoral demographics: More women vote, and as I say on p. 175 of my book:
