Remember Sarah Palin’s overly paid makeup artists from the presidential campaign - Amy Strozzi, Heather Cummings, and Tifanie White - well they all secured another Emmy nomination yesterday for their work on “So You Think You Can Dance.” The makeup team made headlines in the final weeks of the campaign because FEC reports showed that they were among the highest salaried workers on the campaign.

By my calculations, Amy had the highest salary on the campaign - making close to $70,000 for her work doing Palin’s makeup from the RNC convention through the election, and her assistant Tifanie made almost $40,000 for doing John and Cindy McCain’s. (Heather just came in to help at the convention.) In my book, I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans, I reported that this was undoubtedly a source of tension between Cindy and Sarah:  that Sarah got the top makeup artist, Amy; while Cindy got stuck with her assistant, Tifanie.

Sadly, still no Emmy nomination (or indeed, any professional tv or film credits) for the elusive fourth makeup artist who was paid $900 for flying from LA to Minneapolis for the convention: Tracy Thorp, who’s specialty was apparently spray-on tans.

Final note: though it was widely reported at the time that Strozzi had the highest salary on the campaign, what was interesting in the FEC reports was that the top three campaign officials - Steve Schmidt, Charlie Black, and Rick Davis - got no paid “salaries” at all.  Instead, all three were paid through their respective consulting companies in such a way that it was impossible to sort out what they actually made. Somehow I think they all did just fine. As for me?  I did the honorable thing and worked for free: Country first!

I’ve had a very distressing week.  Internet allegations, rumor and innuendo have again focused on my alleged involvement with a so-called “Elena Kagan Sex Tape.”  A promo for the tape has come out conveniently the week of Ms. Kagan’s confirmation hearing.  I see that the Atlantic Monthly has (predictably) accused me of being the out-of-focus man in the tape, whose face is almost entirely obscured.  Ha!  Much more likely - as fellow conservative blogger Robert Stacy McCain has speculated - is that the man in question is none other than Will Folks, the man who claims to have had an affair with South Carolina gubernatorial hopeful Nikki Haley.  The tape in question is amateurish at best, using sophomoric trickery to get Elena to refer to Clarence Thomas as “a long, enormous justice subservient to this tight butt.”  Did Elena really say this?  I don’t know.  But trust me, if I had shot a sex tape with Elena Kagan, at least it would be in focus!

Now, of course, I tried to head off this nasty distraction a full month ago when I bravely stepped forward to admit that I’d shared certain “intimacies” with Ms. Kagan.  Thankfully, that admission and my subsequent apology to my friends at the Heritage Foundation has been duly reported by USAToday, NPR and ABC News among other mainstream press.

The one good note this week is I am glad to see that my old friend Sen. Lindsay Graham took my advice and focused not on Kagan’s impenetrable sexuality, but rather on her indisputable Jewishness. I tweeted Lindsay over the weekend and suggested his now infamous set-up line about where Elena spent her Christmas.  Like Roger Rabbit’s pavlovian response to finishing “shave-and-a-haircut” with “two bits,” I knew that Elena’s upper Westside genetics would force her to give her “like all good Jews, at a Chinese restaurant” response. Best soundbite of the hearings? Yes, and one that inevitably reminded all Americans that she’s an upper Westside Jew.  Well played, Sen. Graham!  She fell for it hook, line and schtinker.  And for all you doubters, just look at my video from a month ago revealing this strategy.

In an effort to get out in front of the Elena Kagan sextape story and issue my videotaped denial, it seems I may have inadvertently offended my good friends at The Heritage Foundation.  So yesterday, I issued them a very public apology that was printed in the biggest newspaper in America: USA TODAY.  For those of you who may not have stayed at a Radisson last night, here’s the article:

US Republican Apologises for Elena Kagan “Sextape”

Conservative Think Tank Fellow Apologizes for Elena Kagan Sextape: Denies Tie to Heritage Foundation Event

Wednesday, 2 June 2010

Washington, DC – A conservative think tank fellow today apologized for giving the impression that an alleged “sextape” of US Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was taken during an event at the Washington-based Heritage Foundation. In a statement issued today, GOP consultant Martin Eisenstadt said, “If I gave anyone the impression that the Heritage Foundation was in any way involved with the purported videotape incident with Ms. Kagan, then I would like to apologize. The Heritage Foundation is a stalwart of the American conservative movement and would never knowingly be involved in any events that might lead to such a sordid video recording.”

Eisenstadt was responding to a recent YouTube video in which he denies the existence of a sextape, but acknowledges that he had intimate relations with Ms. Kagan following an event with The Heritage Foundation.

According to its own website, The Heritage Foundation was a think tank founded in 1973 whose mission is to “formulate and promote conservative public policies based on the principles of free enterprise, limited government, individual freedom, traditional American values, and a strong national defense.”

Eisenstadt himself is Sr. Fellow at the Harding Institute for Freedom & Democracy, a different Washington think tank with no official ties to the Heritage Foundation. An expert on Near East political and military affairs, Eisenstadt has been an adviser to numerous Republican candidates, including John McCain and Sarah Palin.

For those of you who have seen my videotaped denial, you know that the incident in question took place after Think Tank Softball League game between my Harding Institute team and the Heritage Foundation.  Of course, those of you who have read my book “I Am Martin Eisenstadt,” also know from Chapter 9 (entitled “When Think Tanks Play Softball“) that I have something of an ongoing rivalry with the Heritage team. And though that chapter details the 2008 season, for those of you who still doubt my Kagan story, I simply point you to a reference to our 2009 game with Heritage on the Harding Institute website. Again, my sincerest apologies to the Heritage Foundation, the Think Tank League and to the attorneys at Dickstein Shapiro (who recommended Kagan as a softball ringer) for dragging all of you into this controversy.

I’ve been hearing Washington “chatter” all Memorial Day weekend about the rumor that there is some sort of so-called sextape involving myself and Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan.  So I took it upon myself to get out in front of the rumors and categorically deny the existence of said tape.  I can only assume they were started based on the hearsay of a sexual relationship between myself and Solicitor General Kagan. Again, to get in front of the story, I will admit that yes, we did have a single romantic encounter last year, so I instructed my staff to record my recollections of those events in this video:

Iceland’s President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson taunted Fox News’ Neil Cavuto when he talked about Iceland’s “ass-cloud” of a volcano. Is this any way for a head of state to act on US national television? The Harding Institute has filed a formal complaint with both the FCC and the Icelandic embassy in Washington. It’s one thing to have a so-called “natural” disaster like a volcano shut down half the world, but it’s quite another thing to use vulgarity to taint the European Union and Fox News all at once. It’s an outrage!

And lest you think this was an isolated incident, Grimsson continued to taunt American journalists by perpetually referring to his “ass-cloud” on Public Radio International’s show “The World”. You can listen to the clip here: http://media.theworld.org/audio/042020102.mp3

Harding Prizes for Best Crafted Apologies Announced

Tiger Woods, Usher, Rahm Emanuel & Adam Corolla Nab First Annual Hardies

Washington, DC – Over the weekend, the first annual “Harding Prizes” for Best Crafted Apologies of the Year were awarded in a ceremony at American University in Washington, DC.  Tiger Woods won a Hardie in the Sports category, and other winners included Rahm Emmanuel for Politics, Usher for Entertainment and Adam Corolla in a special “Best Twitter Apology” category.

“Anyone who has blundered on the public stage can make an earnest apology,” said Harding Institute Sr. Fellow Martin Eisenstadt, who presided over the ceremony at the Kennedy Political Union at American University. “But the real craft of the perfect apology is in giving the impression of sincere contrition while simultaneously shifting blame, changing the subject or in some other way coming out ahead in the court of public opinion.  That’s both an art and a science, and it should be recognized for its achievement.”

Complete list of nominees and the reasons cited by the awards committee for their achievement:

SPORTS:

Tiger Woods – WINNER – For shifting focus from him being a serial cheater to his wife not being a domestic abuser, and for his follow-up Nike ad in which he invoked his dead father, made money for Nike, and brought the sexy back to golf.
Mark McGwire – For blaming MLB for not having drug testing back then.
Gilbert Arenas – For asking forgiveness from former Wizards owner Abe Pollin, who is dead.
Tony Kornheiser – For going against the grain and refusing to apologize at all to Hannah Storm.POLITICS:

Rahm Emanuel – WINNER - after calling someone a “f***ing retard” his private apology was accepted publicly by Timothy Shriver (a political ally and Kennedy) on behalf of the Special Olympics, proving that acceptance of apology is more important than apology itself.
Jimmy Carter – For apologizing to the Jews, but then having his apology rejected by the ADL on behalf of the Jews.
Gov. Mark Sanford – For talking about his mistress as a soul mate while apologizing to soon-to-be ex-wife.
Michael Steele – For apologizing to Rush Limbaugh
Gov. Robert McDonnell – For apologizing to his fellow Virginians, rather than African-Americans in particular
Gen. Stanley McChrystal – For apologizing for Afghan civilian deaths on behalf of “International Security Assistance Force” rather than simply the US.

ENTERTAIMENT:

Usher – WINNER – for brazenly insinuating himself into Chris Brown/Rhianna scandal by apologizing to Chris Brown for privately saying he shouldn’t have been jet skiing and flexing his muscles
David Letterman – For getting ahead of the story by apologizing on air for his affairs before people even knew there was a scandal, and casting himself as the victim of an extortion plot
Jesse James – For distracting from his apology to Sandra Bullock by denying she’d made a sex tape with him
John Mayer – For shifting attention away from his use of the N-word to him having a problem with always trying to be clever and witty

TWITTER:

Adam Corolla – WINNER – For apologizing to Manny Pacquiao and the Philippines for comments he made on his podcast. Used apology to plug podcast no one even knew he had.
John Mayer – His Twitter apology gave him excuse to stop incessant tweeting.
Kim Kardashian – For her apology to Demi Moore over her use of “Big Pimpin”
Kanye West – For his awkward apology to Taylor Swift.

Inspired by Warren Harding’s own famous apology, “I am not fit for this office and should never have been here,” the Harding Prizes were selected by an anonymous blue ribbon panel of historians, scholars and communications experts.  Martin Eisenstadt, himself an expert on political apologies, recently wrote the book “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” available from Farrar, Straus, Giroux. For questions or hi-res still photos, please go to: http://www.hardinginstitute.org/11.html or contact publicist Eli Perle at eli.perle@provocationent.com.
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In the tradition of the great awards of our modern era – the Nobel, the Pulitzer, the Oscar – it is with great pride that the Harding Institute inaugurates its annual “Harding Prize.”  Most accomplishments in the human endeavor already have awards, but one that the Institute felt was lacking was for achievement in the art and craft of the rhetorical apologia.  Inspired by Warren Harding’s own succinct apology, “I am not fit for this office and should never have been here,” the Harding Prize will be awarded on an annual basis to the Best Apology in the fields of Politics, Media, Business, Entertainment and Sports.

Anyone who has blundered on the public stage can make an earnest apology, I would argue. But the real craft of the perfect apology is in giving the impression of sincere contrition while simultaneously shifting blame, changing the subject or in some other way coming out ahead in the court of public opinion. That’s both an art and a science, and it should be recognized for its achievement.

The first annual Harding Prizes - affectionately known as “The Hardies” - will be awarded live during a speech I’ll be making at my alma mater, American University, as part of the Kennedy Political Union lecture series. Thursday, April 8, 2010, at 8:15 in Ward 2.  Full details will be released next Monday.

As the Democratic party wakes up today to a 59 seat hangover courtesy of newly minted Massachusetts Republican Senator Scott Brown, they ask themselves “how did this happen?” and “who did this to us?”  The answers are simple:  a) the nude picture in Cosmo, and b) me.

Anyone who’s read my book, I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (Wildly Inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans should have more closely read Chapter 7: “The Jonas Brothers are (probably) Not Terrorists” (based on this blogpost from last year where I warned my boss John McCain not to pick Sarah Palin).  If they had, they would have seen clear and convincing evidence that when it comes to politics (and pop music), women voters will pick the cute guy over the successful woman everytime:  That’s why the Jonas Brothers dethroned Miley Cyrus atop the Teen Beat charts.  That’s why Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton for the Democratic primary.  And that’s why cutie Joe Biden was a better choice for VP than Sarah Palin. In short, once the Cosmo picture appeared, the smart and accomplished Martha Coakley never had a chance.  It’s simple, electoral demographics: More women vote, and as I say on p. 175 of my book:

At the end of the day, they’ll vote with their hearts, not their heads. And they’ll vote for the cute boy….Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Thankfully, Scott Brown DID read my book. So I can now reveal that a month ago, he rather discretely “hired” me as an unpaid campaign consultant to put out the Cosmo pic.

All I can say to the Democratic party is just be thankful I haven’t yet leaked Brown’s crotchless underwear shots he reportedly did for a certain Japanese “specialty” clothing line. 

Let’s just say that when they do come out, the GOP will have no choice but to nominate Brown for President in 2012.  And by the same logic, Levi Johnston’s upcoming Playgirl spread may just make him the next member of the Palin family to get the VP nod.  You heard it hear first: Brown/Johnston 2012.

Well, it’s official. The Obama administration has asked me to return from my Middle East fact finding mission to assist George Bush in raising funds for the Haiti relief effort. You got to hand it to Obama. Some argued that he was chosen because he is sort of black and sort of Muslim and neither a Bush nor a Clinton nor an erratic former POW, the perfect figure head to allow America to distance itself from some of George Bush’s less popular policies. The old bait and switch that empires are known to employ when times demand it. “That wasn’t me who killed your family and/or looted your treasury. That was the other guy. The one with the snarl. Sorry. Moving on.”

It just goes to show what a mentsch Barack Obama really is.  He easily could have proceeded with the Haiti relief effort without enlisting the services of great Americans like George Bush and myself. In fact, one could even argue that by sidelining those of us with Iraq nation-building experience, he would be signaling to the world that he disapproves of how we neocons handled our various wars and foreign enterprises. Instead, in a true spirit of bipartisanship, Obama has made the bold decision to show continuity in foreign policy and to loudly proclaim that George Bush and I are decent men with nothing to be ashamed of.  Which I want to reiterate.  The millions killed and maimed as a result of our invasion and occupation of Iraq was a small price to pay when compared to the billions of dollars in oil and infrastructure contracts now available to American companies. So let me take this opportunity to formally apologize for implying that time on FOX that you were born in Kenya and to clearly assert that you are a worthy commander-in-chief who I am proud to serve.

I know I’ve had my differences with Sarah Palin:  Sure, I told the world that she didn’t think Africa was a continent; and she called me a liar in her book.  But with the news that Sarah will now be working for Fox News as a consultant, I’d like to formally bury the hatchet and welcome Sarah to the elite fraternity we call the “Punditocracy.” Sarah, you’re now one of us!

Based on the scientific research I conducted as Sr. Fellow of the Harding Institute for Freedom & Democracy, and recently published in my book, “I Am Martin Eisenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans,” it would appear that you are now poised to be the most prominent pundit of all. I’ve updated this chart from my book with new data to reflect your current position, given your popularity, as well as your electoral track record as both the VP candidate who lost John McCain the election, and as a sitting governor who quit mid-term:

To quote from my book (p.30):

…the bigger a loser you are, the more TV appearances you’re likely to make during the next election as a pundit. Just look at how many former Dukakis, Kerry, Dole, Dean, and Edwards strategists there are on CNN. To say nothing of perennial also-ran Pat Buchanan and now Mike Huckabee— both arguably much better as pundits than they ever were as candidates. As a loser, no one else will hire you, so you’ve plenty of time for publicly second-guessing the people who really did get those jobs.

So Sarah, at no charge, here are 10 tips for being a great pundit:

1. The Pundit Express. Even if a plane is faster or cheaper, always take the Acela between New York and Washington. All the pundits do. Free Wi-Fi, and Fox will pick up the tab for your drinks in the Cafe Car. A quick walk down the aisle and you’ll hear all the scuttlebutt you’ll need to talk authoritatively about what “people outside the Beltway are really saying.”
2. The Green Room. Everyone in Washington knows this is where the real wheeling-dealing goes on. This is where you’ll confer with Newt Gingrich, Trent Lott and Roger Ailes to really plot your next political move. Eat the M&Ms, but don’t drink the coffee. If there’s breaking news, you don’t want to sit in a holding pattern on set while your bladder explodes (see James Carville, March 23, 2007, CNN).
3. Your New Best Friend. You can tell the makeup artist anything. They’re all bound by confidentiality clauses with the networks. They may not be as good as the Emmy-winning makeup artists from “So You Think You Can Dance” that you had on the campaign, but they’re like Catholic priests and cheap Russian prostitutes: they may smell of cheap perfume, but they know how to keep a secret.
4. The Hot Mic. Keep in mind that once they put a wireless mic on you in the green room, be very careful what you say. A sound guy somewhere will record every word you say even if the camera’s off. Of course, you can also make this work to your advantage by insulting someone under your breath and then claiming ignorance later (see Jesse Jackson).
5. The Nod/Smile. When the host is introducing you, you should nod and smile in obsequious agreement. It makes you look very smart and humble. (see Gloria Borger)
6. Know your Pundit Catchphrases. “To the extent that…” “I would argue…” “What I think you’re really saying is…” “That’s an excellent question and I’m glad you brought that up…” and “Bob, if you’re finished whining like a little girl with a broken hockey stick, I believe it’s my turn to talk…”
7. The Split Screen Looks. When an opposing pundit is speaking, be aware you’ll still be on camera. Learn to roll your eyes in disdainful condescension, but don’t wink.  Winking is for candidates, not pundits. Other good facial tics include the smirk, the nose scrunch and even a yawn for dramatic effect. When in doubt, look down and pretend you’re Twittering something more important on your Blackberry.
8. Plugging the Book. No matter how much Fox is paying you, all those kids of yours are still going to need new shoes. Make sure Fox has a JPEG of your book cover on stand-by whenever you’re on. It’s in their interest, too: Remember, Harper Collins is also owned by Rupert Murdoch.
9. Product Placement. You can now get free clothes by telling designers you’ll wear them on TV (and without all those pesky FEC disclosures that got you into trouble before). Your question won’t be “what” to wear, it’ll be “who” to wear. Everyday is the Oscars when you’re a pundit! It’ll be hard to get Fox to get a head/shoulder pundit shot of you in those free ASICS running shoes you wore on the cover of Newsweek, but you could pull a Madeleine Albright and bedazzle a different designer brooch each time you’re on…and get paid for it!
10. The Quinnipiac Card. If you need to add proof to your opinion, just say “data from the latest Quinnipiac poll backs me up on this.” Seasoned pundits know that Quinnipiac doesn’t really exist, but thankfully the public hasn’t caught on yet.