Anyone in DC knows that Paul Ryan’s a huge fitness freak (with appropriately broad shoulders, firm abs and sweaty palms).  He works out regularly at the Capitol gym and specifically promotes the P90X system developed by his fitness guru Tony Horton.

Tony may be a terrific guy, telling Politico’s Patrick Gavin just today:

“I have my own political views, but I just don’t think it’s my place to be talking about that kind of thing,” said Horton, adding that reporters “try to nail me down” on policy issues.

Well, no wonder Horton doesn’t like to talk politics: A quick look at Federal Election Records would indicate that he’s given $4600 to the Obama campaign, and $1000 to the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee. D’oh! Now I’m not saying that Paul Ryan is some kind of Manchurian candidate whose (ham)strings are literally being pulled by an Obama shill.  But… others in the Party might well draw that conclusion.

Having been a survivor of the Palin VP selection (yes, I even wrote my best-selling, critically-acclaimed book about it), I’ve been through the vetting, and the debate coaching, and the spray-on tans, and I’ve lived to tell about it (did I mention the book?).  So it is with deep regret that I wonder if this cycle is repeating itself:  Not enough vetting, not enough time, and an emphasis on finding someone sexy with low body fat, rather than someone substantive, boring and flabby to whom the American people can relate and drink a beer with.

But the decision’s been made, and as a good soldier, I will move forward with the campaign, and do my best to support my man, Mitt Romney - no matter how sweaty and well-toned his running mate chooses to be.

For those loyal fans who remember, if you look at page 32-36 in my best selling campaign memoir, I Am Martin Eisenstadt, available on Amazon, I have a whole chapter going into great detail explaining the trickster subterfuge that went into the dissemination of this groundbreaking ad. In fact, if you read my prior post, you’ll see that Huntsman (and his attractive daughters) are all long-time fans of my book, too.  (hence his new “Country First” slogan).  So to quote a former client, “Oops.  I did it again”.  What can I say?  Marty Eisenstadt is back, as is Jon Huntsman who, mere weeks after hiring me to save his flailing campaign, has leapt from last place to third.  And not that I hold grudges because I do, but if only my dear friend Newt had returned my calls, that could have been him placing third in New Hampshire.

(and for those of you who no longer have a hard copy on your bookcase, because you donated it to your local high school library - as Denny Hastert told me he did with his copy - then here’s a picture of the page in question….)

Because for me, “Country First” (a phrase I, by the way, came
up with, but let others take credit for—in the body of the book, I
will explain) is not just a slogan. It is a philosophy, a value system,
a moral ethic I live by. That’s why I offer no regrets in leaking to
the press (after the election, of course) that Governor Palin greeted
me in a skimpy, provocative towel and that she wasn’t sure whether
Africa is a continent or a country. In my humble opinion, America
needed to know, so I put country first.

Now, in theory, I like Jon Huntsman:  He has a billionaire father and several attractive daughters.  It doesn’t get any more American than that.  But when his father refuses to pay Jon’s campaign bills and his daughters scorn the advances (I’m told) of certain campaign consultants, then I have to take pause, and withhold my judgement.  Of course I’m flattered that Huntsman is a fan of my work. In fact, I remember signing my memoir for him when my book tour took me to Beijing (for a Mormon, I must say that he throws a hell of an embassy party).  It’s great when third-place presidential candidates take my advice, but let’s just say that maybe if he’d paid me, he’d have gotten second.

Some of you have noticed I’ve been keeping a low profile during this primary campaign. (Perhaps because I’m doing stealth work for an unnamed candidate; perhaps because I’m out of the country.)

So it was with a slight pang of regret that I read about the death of North Korea’s Dear Leader, Kim Jung Il.  I only met Kim once, as a non-partisan consultant when Bill Clinton went to Pyongyang to free those pretty TV journalists.

It was a tense couple of days, but if I remember one thing, it’s that the food we were served was simply excellent.  The galbee was exquisitely tender cuts of beef shortrib, and the kimchee was pungent, without being so spicy as to mask the delicate flavor of the pickled cabbage.  One of the Korean generals whispered to me that the Dear Leader was a fan of “Iron Chef” and had once briefly considered kidnapping Masaharu Morimoto to serve as his personal chef.  I suggested we’d happily give them Bobby Flay in trade for the journalists.

Like most other pundits I know, I approach the coming weeks with trepidation about the fate of North Korea, and no small desire to speak about the few small facts we have about Kim Jung Il’s son, Kim Jong Un (or as he’s known on the Pyongyang street, “Lil’ Kim.”)  But unlike other pundits, I’ve actually been to North Korea:  I’ve tasted the food, I’ve met with the generals, and I’ve posed for awkward pictures.  In the parlance of the 24-hour news culture, that makes me an expert on North Korea.  Wolf, call me.

But if there’s one person left on earth shedding a tear for the so-called former dictator of Libya, it might be me.  Not because I was such great pals with Kaddafi, or because I laughed at his off-color knock-knock jokes, or because I found his entourage of Swedish nurses so fiendishly attractive.  No, rather it is a sad day in the offices of the Eisenstadt Group because we have lost one of our most lucrative public-relations clients.  And by lucrative, let me just say that we had been billing Kaddafi in the high six figures since the uprising began last spring (remember this blogpost I ran a few months ago?).  But as everyone on K Street knows all too well, just because one “sends” a bill, does not mean one necessarily gets “paid” the bill.  (Just ask Kissinger and Associates about the great Ceausescu Accounting Scandal of ‘91 - still a case study at the Kennedy School’s Intro to International Influence class where I’ve guest lectured from time to time.)

The upside of working with international pariahs as clients is that they tend to have a lot of money and there isn’t much competition banging down their doors.  Also, try as you might, if you still can’t get them any real tangible benefits (like placing an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, getting a Greta Van Susteren interview on Fox, or getting the CIA to stop sending drone attacks), you can generally be forgiven for trying to paddle upstream against the torrent of international zeitgeist.  The down side though is that these despots tend to blame international sanctions and frozen bank accounts for their inability to pay their bills in a timely fashion.  And as I found today, they get the ultimate excuse when they’re suddenly and personally made “unavailable” - as Kaddafi’s six-foot-one, blonde Latvian accountant told me today via Skype from Zurich.

For anyone who’s read my critically-acclaimed book, you’ll know that this isn’t the first time Marty Eisenstadt hasn’t gotten paid for services rendered (yes, McCain/Palin Victory Fund 2008, I’m talking to you!).  But as a man of honor, I don’t whine or complain or wallow in self-pity about it.  I simply pick myself up by my bootstraps, hire more unpaid interns, and start looking towards Embassy Row for the next client.  Hmm, I hear the Syrian embassy on Wyoming Ave. is in need of an “image burnishment consultation” (as we call it in the trades).  Oh, taxi!

Now, my loyal readers will remember that James is a former intern of mine and that I essentially taught him everything he knows about the so-called “dark arts” of political and media tomfoolery.   (It was just last March, in fact, that I wrote about how James’ takedown of NPR’s Vivian Schiller was in reality a personal favor to me.) Trusted readers will also remember that James played for my beloved Harding Institute team in Washington’s Think Tank Softball league that I detailed in my book (as well as mentioned in my denial of an alleged Elena Kagan sextape).  In fact, it was in our season-ending 9-1 loss against the Economic Policy Institute (EPI) team that I muttered something to James about revenge for when EPI president/pitcher Lawrence Mishel struck paydirt with a low-inside brushback (thankfully, though, I was wearing my Harding-branded plastic cup - as is my habit on Fridays).

So I’m quite grateful that James once again picked his target as a personal vendetta on my behalf.  I can’t fault James for his loyalty, but unfortunately the apprentice still has tactical lessons to learn from the master.  How did poor James stumble this time?  Allegedly, he made calls to EPI and other left-leaning, softball-dominant think tanks from a “hedge fund” with ties to an Ohio teacher’s union called “Ohio Education Association” representing 130,000 “so-called” teachers. Only one problem: the email domain used by the caller - “ohioedassoc.org” - was registered to Shane Cory - one of James’ underlings at his new company Project Veritas. Oops.

Anyone who’s read my book knows that it’s a perfectly simple thing to register a domain name anonymously.  It’s a tactic I’ve “consulted” on many times, and not doing so is what tripped up Mitt Romney’s hamfisted negative campaign against Fred Thompson in the 2008 presidential election. True students of the dark arts will remember that a website named “PhonyFred.org” was registered to a known Romney campaign consultant.  The site was up for barely a day before internet sleuths discovered the ruse.  Compare this to my successful “Abrad2345” Giuliani stealth campaign that withstood the scrutiny of an ABC investigative report, New York Times digging, and countless other attempts to solve its mysterious origins.  It wasn’t until a full two years later that I finally revealed myself as the true source of this campaign as one of many revelations in my critically-acclaimed book, “I Am Martin Eiesenstadt: One Man’s (wildly inappropriate) Adventures with the Last Republicans.”

And for those doubters who think that this is the first time young James has taken a chip off the old Marty, then I direct you to this YouTube video wherein I show that even his masterful ACORN takedown was an homage to my own work.  James, I love you.  But next time, seek the master’s advice.

With all the mainstream media accounts of this story, very few have bothered to read the words in question. Part of Dole’s quote was “I was raised to believe that there are no limits to individual achievement and no excuses to justify indifference.” Exactly.  To prove the point that there are “no limits to individual achievement,” one has to embrace the collective wisdom of one’s forebears (specifically, Liddy Dole’s wisdom).  And to further her thought, there are “no excuses” to be indifferent to this policy.  Which is to say that if he firmly believed in Dole’s view of achievement, then he doesn’t owe us any excuse for her phrasing at all.  In fact, to attribute the quote with superfluous so-called “quotation marks,” would lessen Brown’s own individual achievement, and therefor render the quote meaningless.  Ergo, Dole’s own words practically beg for it to be plagiarized.  To do any less, would be an insult to Dole herself.

Now, in full disclosure, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to come to the defense of plagiarism.  Three years ago, I wrote a widely read Op-Ed in reaction to the swift firing of Bush Administration aide Tim Goeglein, who was accused of plagiarizing a Dartmouth history professor in op-eds Goeglein was writing for the Fort Wayne News Sentinel.  My investigation into the story led to one revelation after another:  The history professor who was allegedly plagiarized was himself a disgraced former Nixon speechwriter with a dubious attitude towards Jews. It turned out the passage in question had also been appropriated by a Bush-era Deputy Assistant Secretary of State, who had been fraternity pals with Jordan’s King Abdullah.

All of which is to say that it’s probably not surprising to hear that Elizabeth Dole has taken the high road and forgiven Scott Brown.  Chances are, she didn’t write the quote in question either (that’s what campaign speechwriters are for).  She definitely repurposed it, using the quote multiple times - in speeches, in a video launching her campaign and on her website.  It was that good. And apparently, it still is.

My only question is that with all the smart MIT and Harvard grads floating around Boston, why couldn’t the Brown camp have hired an intern who knew how to build a website from scratch?  Oh well, next time!

Okay.  Now that it’s clear that Obama has screwed up again, and that Gadaffi is, in fact, strong enough to defeat his opponents and stay in power, what does America do next?  We all know why the French pushed for this war, because they’re the only Western power with zero oil contracts in that country.  But why should we, who have been treated well by Libya, alienate the family that awarded us these contracts and who will clearly emerge victorious in this battle between war lords? 

As I’ve written before, I have worked with the Gaddafi family for the better part of ten years, and if America could find a graceful exit to this quagmire, I have no doubt that the family would be willing to forgive Obama’s betrayal and re-embrace us as brothers.  I mean, what message does it send to our friends and enemies that of all the countries we could have attacked, we chose Libya, which not even six years ago renounced terrorism and publicly came over to our side?

I listened to the President’s speech, so I understand his supposed rationale for entering this conflict.  We needed to make an example out of someone to keep the region from going completely haywire, so we chose a leader that has no friends and a landscape that is flat, non-urban and without trees so a no fly zone could actually make a difference.  In other words, sure, we’ll stop genocide but only if the perpetrator is friendless and lives in an open desert.  What kind of message is that to be sending to our allies, adversaries and the young people of this planet? That when America needs a scapegoat, it chooses a friend, someone who opened his fields to our oil companies and joined us in the war against Al-Qaeda. If you’re going to sacrifice someone, I say, make it someone who resisted you, like Syria or Iran, as a lesson to others.

Let me reiterate who the opposition in Libya is; Al Qaeda and Hezbollah.  And to my African-American brothers and sisters, let us not forget that many of Gaddafi’s best fighters are black Africans.  It is the opposition that is arbitrarily killing black Africans under the pretense that they are on the side of Gaddafi. 

And the most important point I leave for last:  Gaddafi is going to win (unless we commit boots to the ground, which is not going to happen), which means he’ll continue sitting on enough oil and capital to make a real difference to our struggling economy.   Just think about it: Instead of closing fire houses and libraries, we could be opening new businesses and expanding employment. 

As those of you who read my column know, I have developed a particularly close relationship with Al Saadi-Gaddafi over the years, and he has reassured me that if America tacitly resists the French and allows Gaddafi to retain his power, “no grudge will be held.  The opposite, as a gesture of gratitude, we will continue to invest our petro dollars in your country.  As any economist will tell you, in ten years time, SWF holdings (Sovereign Wealth Funds, read: Arab oil money) will equal the entire American GDP.  That 33 billion that your government seized is nothing, less troublesome than a mosquito bite.  One of my brothers, who shall remain nameless, could go through that in a weekend.  So as America’s infrastructure and cities crumble, please know that you can have a friend in the Libyan people, if you so choose. We’d be more than happy to help you pay your firefighters and keep your libraries open.  How much would that cost?  Less than your president is spending dropping bombs on innocent people, camels and livestock.  Like I’m known to say, look to the future, not the past.  The French are the past.  SWF’s are the future.  So I beseech you, don’t let those back-stabbing French cowards, who instigated this war for purely economic reasons, as they’re the only country without current oil contracts in our country, push you into a conflict that is clearly against your national interest.  I love America.  I have been there many times.  And not just to Los Angeles and Miami.  To Kentucky even, where one of my brothers owns a racetrack.  Even here in Libya, I watch Entourage and my new favorite, Boardwalk Empire.   And because I feel to the American people like I do a brother, I offer you the chance to change your bet and pick the horse that we all know, in the end, will win.”

I’m not saying I agree with every word uttered by my former client, but in the interest of saving our once great country from a humiliating and crushing debacle, I think we should at least listen to what this self-proclaimed lover of America has to say.

It was just over a year ago, when you congratulated me on the overwhelming critical success of my book (#3 on the Washington Monthly’s top 8 books of the year), I distinctly remember the long walk we took near the reflecting pool when I cursed NPR and that perpetually befuddled Terry Gross for not doing a proper book interview with me.  I mused at the time that it could be because of an ill-fated encounter I’d had with NPR’s Vivian Schiller near the firepit at the Four-Seasons in Foggy Bottom.  (We were two attractive consenting Washington adults, so how could she take such umbrage for me wanting to split the bar tab, after what had just transpired in the coat check room?)  But you had my back, James, I can see it now.  “That harpy will rue the day she messed with Martin Eisenstadt!” you told me, and I must say, my heart filled with pride.  Like with many of my former interns over the years, perhaps I’d been too hard on you and not given you enough credit for your long-term loyalty.

I know over the years I’ve cringed occasionally that you were succeeding with the very tactics I once taught you, and that you arguably have been riding on my coattails since I first recruited you out of Rutgers.  Yes, I know that for tax reasons we officially had you on the books working at the so-called “Leadership Institute” in Arlington, Virginia, and I thank them for their paperwork support.  But anyone who played in Washington’s Think Tank Softball League knows full well that LI could never mount a full team and that you played (quite admirably) as our third baseman for at least a full season. (I even penned a chapter about it in my book, called “When Think Tanks Play Softball…“, and Vivian’s beloved NPR did a piece about the League but conspicuously didn’t mention Team Harding - further proof of her vendetta against me.)

It was in our post-game soirees in particular that I remember having long conversations with you about how gullible the left-wing media is, and how easy it is to set up phony websites and shoot hidden video.  In fact, I specifically recall telling you how easy it would be to entrap the community organizers at ACORN, and that I had already done such a video that was incorporated into a BBC documentary.  My loyal readers will recall this video we posted over a year ago showing very specifically how you’ve used my techniques.  Naturally, I was a bit too conflicted at the time to fully reveal the nature of our relationship, but I think the video speaks for itself:

But again, now that you’ve taken down one of my old adversaries, I am forever grateful to you, James, and wish you the best as you continue to further refine the lessons I’ve taught you.